Sunday, August 1, 2010

Random thoughts: Smokers in the workplace

If you have ever held a job for more than five minutes, you have probably worked with smokers at some point. While I don't choose to smoke myself, I don't judge those who do.  I do however, find some of their behavior to be quite annoying.

I don't get the concept of a "smoke break."  Here in California, if you work an eight hour shift, you typically get a lunch break, then two shorter break periods.  You take a break a couple of hours into your shift, relax, then get your ass back to work for a few hours.  Well smokers find a way to rape the system.

"Dude, I'm gonna take a smoke break, cover my department."  A smoking co-worker said to me recently.  He said this forty-five minutes into his shift.  So he steps out, fires up a Marlboro, and gets to escape the drudgery of retail for a few minutes.  Then an hour later he takes his "actual" break.  Hmm, two hours in, and this dope has already taken two breaks.  This pattern repeats itself over an eight hour day, and my smoking pal has taken seven breaks to my three.  Wait, is that right.

Smoking is apparently an excuse to be a lazy bastard.  It is perfectly acceptable to smoke when your supposed to be working, yet if i decide to randomly take a five minute stroll outside, or if I take an unplanned dump, I'm a terrible employee.

Most smokers also have no concept on how bad smoke smells, especially men.  If your gonna smell like shit constantly, bring some cologne, a pack of tic-tacs, and freshen yourself up a bit.  It's really not that hard fellas.

Perhaps I should just take up smoking, if I feel like slacking off for a few minutes, i can just light up. Can you imagine?  "Umm, yeah i can't help that customer in laptops, I gotta go suck on the tit of Camel Joe, I'll catch you guys in five.

I feel it often leaves me out of the social loop.  People like to go outside, swap stories over a smoke, and up each other.  While Kevin the non-smoker, is forced to sit in the breakroom, alone, watching PBS. 

Perhaps its time to start smoking.  It may cause premature aging, lung cancer, and bad breath, but I will be able to take more breaks at work, and my social life will improve.  Yeah, I think it's a fair trade.


  1. As spoken in what might be the greatest stand-up recordings of all-time, "No Cure for Cancer," by Denis Leary...

    "The filter's the best part... That's where they put the heroin. Only us real good smokers know that fucking secret... Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We tried, but you just fucking BADGER us, y'know? You won't leave us ALONE! You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us. All these little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet and you store that little nugget in your little fucking head, and we light up and you SPEW 'EM OUT AT US, don't ya? I love these little facts. "Well you know... smoking takes ten years off your life..." Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks?! It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, kidney dialysis fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!? And I guarantee if I'm still alive, I'll be smoking then. I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on and my twenty-five year old non-smoking born again Christian son behind me. I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure you wipe this time. I was itching all week for Christ's sake! And get me some more whippets. I'm almost out, you fucking pussy! Come on!"

    Because you're always telling us, "You know, every cigarette takes six minutes off your life. If you quit now you can live an extra ten years. If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years." Hey! I got two words for you, okay? "Jim Fix." Remember Jim Fix? The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped out of a heart attack when? When he was fucking jogging, that's when! What do you wanna bet it was two smokers who found the body the next morning and went, "Hey! That's Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a fucking tragedy. Come on, lets go buy some butts."

    It's always the yogurt, sprout eating mother fuckers who get run over by a bus by a guy who smokes three and a half packs a day. "Sorry officer, I didn't see him. I was too busy SMOKIN'!"

  2. Kelly from "The Office" said: "Why is ok for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care."

    -Larry (Lar-Bear).

  3. Perhaps I should start, here i am breathing clean air like a sucker.

  4. Yeah. You look like a real health nut. Pfft.

    People who don't smoke talk like their body is a temple and would never do something soooo awful to their body, while they're sitting in a chair, typing on a computer for hours, and eating a cheeseburger and fries. Hypocrisy knows no bounds.