Thursday, September 23, 2010

Maury: An instant shot of self-esteem

I really don't know why, but I love watching Maury.  He has sold out a bit, trying to become a Jerry Springer type, with ridiculous storylines, and outrageous guests.  95 % of his shows are either paternity test drama, or lie detector episodes.  It really is horrible television, yet I am drawn in everytime.  I really believe that it makes me feel like an absolute winner.

I am a 25 year old who often feels like I am not reaching my potential.  Many nights I often wonder what the hell I am doing with my life, and how do I plan to be a success.  Sometimes it is enough to give me a panic attack, or makes me a candidate to be institutionalized in a sanitarium.  I feel like I am stuck in a rut that I have no hope from escaping from.  I grab my television remote, flip around, and land right on Maury.  All of a sudden, all my troubles melt away.

We met 23 year-old Rochelle, from some hick town in the South.  Naturally this stupid bitch has 2 bastard kids, and is in dire need of a makeup artist.  She brings on 26 year old Johnny, a former flame who bailed once he found out homegirl had a bun in the oven.  She tells the audience the sob story of how they were once so in love, they planned on buying a trailer, and living the life she always dreamed of.  They had unprotected sex(naturally) and she had a baby.  Our friend Rochelle says she has no doubt that dude is the Father, the guy says he heard rumors that she screwed four guys at a tractor pull, and the bickering continues.  Finally, in the midst of all the chaos, Maury is there for this once happy couple, with the index card that could change their lives.  "Johnny, you are NOT the Father," Maury proclaims, as all hell breaks loose.

The skank runs out the stage, completely disconsolate since she made an ass of herself on national television, and dude is running around like he just won the Super Bowl.  While taking all of this in on my couch, a smile forms on my face, and I think to myself, "Wow, perhaps my life isn't so bad.

Maury has also taught me lots about genetics and DNA.  For instance, we had a gentlemen on today, who is the same age as me, yet he has 5 kids already, and could potentially have more.  His ex girlfriend has brought him on the show because she claims he fathered her two children, one boy and one girl.  The man is denying the daughter, because he has five boys already, and he "can't make girls." Say what?  Well, he fathered the boy, but naturally the girl wasn't his.  Wow, apparently some men are incapable of producing girls.  Fuck taking biology, I learned about genetics from watching Maury.  Once again, i look around to the silence that surrounds me.  No annoying children, and no crazy baby-mama hitting me up for money for pampers.

Besides being a cure for depression, Maury has a few other purposes:  gambling and drinking games.  The next time you are at a box social, or whatever the hell you call your parties, pop in an episode of Maury, and take a shot everytime he says "You are NOT the Father." 

In all likelihood, you will be hammered 30 minutes later.  You can also place bets with your friends about the outcome of the paternity tests.

"Bro, I bet you $20 that he's the Father!"  "Sweet man, I'll take that action!"  This practice could be extremely useful during the absence of football.

So remember people, the next time you're having a terrible day, check your local listings, and find an episode of Maury.  You will walk away with a renewed confidence that several years of therapy couldn't mold.  Remember, there is always someone who is a bigger loser than you, and they've probably appeared on Maury.

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