Saturday, July 31, 2010

Douchebag of the Week: Matthew Clemmens

Matthew Clemmens, isn't he a keeper ladies?
This week's award winner did one of the most vile, disturbing acts that I can honestly remember.  Mr. Matthew Clemmens should be inducted into the douchebag Hall-Of-Fame.

Clemmens, a 21 year-old man, was taking in a Phillies game one night with his jackass buddies, when they decided to get liquored up, and behave like primitive cavemen.  You pound several cups of watered-down swill for six innings,and its not easyto keep a level head.  It also may turn you into a low-life piece of shit, just like our good friend Mr. Clemmens.

Matthew Clemmens, was sentenced to three months in jail, for intentionally vomiting on an 11 year old girl, at Citizens Bank Park earlier this year.  He plead guilty to assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct.  He took his fingers, stuck it down his throat Jennifer Aniston style, and projectile- vomited all over this poor innocent girl.  He also threw a couple of punches at the girls' Father, causing him to bleed from his ear.

I believe getting just three months in prison, isn't quite harsh enough punishment.  Every time this poor girl hears the words "Baseball", "Phillies", and "Ballpark", she's gonna remember some fuck from New Jersey blowing puke all over her.  Vomit is one of the most disgusting things on Earth.  The thought of puking when I'm sick, or had a little too much to drink, is enough to make me want to die.  Intentionally throwing up on someone, especially a child puts you in the psychotic category.

Enjoy this award, you piece of shit.  You can think about it when Bubba plays "hide the sausage" in the Pokey.  Congratulations to our second "Douchebag of the Week!

Yankees acquire Lance Berkman, Austin Kearns

The trading deadline just wouldn't be the the same without the Yankees as a participant.  The Yankees made two moves today, acquiring First Baseman Lance Berkman from the Houston Astros, and then acquired Outfielder Austin Kearns from the Cleveland Indians.

Berkman, who had a no-trade clause, decided an opportunity to win a World Series, was worth leaving the only organization he has known.  Berkman has had a disappointing offensive season, hitting just .245 with 13 HR's and 49 RBI's.  He is expected to fill the DH role, vacated by the injured Nick Johnson.

Austin Kearns has had a decent 2010 in Cleveland, hitting .268 with 8 HR's and 42 RBI's.  He should be a solid backup for the Yankees.

Kevin Says:  Decent move for the Yanks, it at least gives them a solid veteran to man the DH position.  He should make their lineup a little bit deeper.  Kearns will give them a solid bat of off the bench.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Padres acquire Miguel Tejada, Oswalt to the Phillies, Capps is a Twin

As the trade deadline approaches, there were several trades today.  So here's the recap:

The Padres acquired veteran infielder and former AL MVP Miguel Tejada, from the Baltimore Orioles.  The Orioles received hard-throwing AA pitcher Wynn Pelzer in the deal.

Tejada is having a subpar season by his standards in Baltimore, hitting just .269 with 7 HR's and 39 RBI.  He is expected to play all around the infield for the Padres, and give them another veteran presence in a relatively young lineup.

Wynn Pelzer, a AA pitcher had a 4.20 ERA this season.  He can touch the mid-nineties, and could potentially close in the future.

The Phillies made a bold move to acquire an ace, acquiring Roy Oswalt from Houston.  The Astros received pitcher J.A. Happ, and two minor leaguers.  Oswalt will join forces with co-ace Roy Halladay, to help the Phillies climb back into the race.

The Twins, desperate to climb back into the AL Central race, acquired closer Matt Capps from the Nationals in exchange for top catching prospect Wilson Ramos.

Capps was an All-Star for Washington this year, with 26 saves in 30 chances.  He will help make the Twins bullpen a little deeper, sliding current closer Jon Rauch into a setup role.

Ramos, Minnesota's top prospect, was only hitting .241 in AAA, but scouts say he has a chance to be a future All-Star.

Kevin Says:  I like the deal for the Padres.  It gives them another veteran bat, and is a big upgrade, in terms of what they have currently.  Everth Cabrera will likely be sent to AAA, when Tejada is activated.

The Oswalt deal will work for the Phillies, although I question why they dumped Cliff Lee in the first place.  They got Houston to pick up half of the money that is owed to Oswalt between now and 2011.  If J.A. Happ can come back healthy, the deal could be solid for Houston.

The Twins move reeks of desperation in my opinion.  Matt Capps isn't that big of an upgrade over what they currently have, and it cost them a valuable trade-chip in Catcher Wilson Ramos. 

Random Thoughts: Tribal Tattoos

Sorry, I guess I'm too cool for you.
Tattoos.  The word in the past has evoked a number of emotions in adults.  I remember growing up, my Grandmother told me that only common, white trash people had tattoos.  To get a tattoo, was just the same as joining a street gang to her. 

As I grew up, and started listening to Metal, I discovered that all my rock-and-roll heroes were draped in tattoos.  I discovered that tattoos can be a way to honor a relative or friend, or display things that you are passionate about.  I do not have any tattoos(I have a minor needle phobia) but I have come to appreciate the beauty that they can have.  Well most tattoos anyway.

Tribal tattoos are one of the lamest things I have ever seen.  Most of the people that have them are giant, Caucasian meat heads, with IQ's under 15.  One design that is very popular, is the all black tribal sun.  These goons typically like to get them on their arms, so they can use it as a conversation piece, while getting hammered at the local watering hole.  There are several more reasons why I hate them.

Tribal tattoos are completely unoriginal.  I always imagined that if I were ever going to ink up my skin, i would try to get a design that no one else has.  I would perhaps get an idea of what i want, and get a skilled artist to come up with his own rendition.  These goons want to get a tattoo, so they look at all the clip art on the wall, point at a tribal tiger design, and voila!  One short hour later, and they have their own tribal tiger, to further cement their membership in the Hall of Douchebags.

Tribal tattoos, for the most part look very primitive.  The tattoos I have admired in people have been elaborate and colorful.  You can tell that the artist took his time creating a beautiful design that the customer can be proud of.  Most tribal tattoos are black, and in my opinion look completely uninspired.  A few tattoo artists I asked, confessed that they loathe having to them.

I'm not sure what this is, but it looks cool on the wall!
These tattoos are stupid, but they aren't going anywhere.  http://www.vanishing-tattoo.com/ states on their website that Tribal Ink is currently the most common tattoo request in shops all around our great country.  So the next time you see a really stupid tribal tattoo, just emulate my actions;  laugh, point, and then laugh again.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Is Wendy Williams a Dude?

Man?  Or Woman?
While pissing away my day off in front of the television, I stumbled across "The Wendy Williams Show" and I wasn't too sure what I had stumbled across.  My first thought was, "did Rupaul change his name, cause that has to be a dude.  So I hopped online and did a little research to find out who I was watching.

Apparently besides being a famous talk show host, Williams has also written a New York Times bestseller called "The Wendy Williams Experience.  She was also a female shock-jock, causing controversy when she claimed that Tupac "was raped in prison.  Williams also confronted Whitney Houston about her alleged drug abuse during an interview, causing Houston to bombard Williams with a profanity-heavy tirade.

Williams has apparently developed quite a nice following with her talk show.  I found it to be a slight ripoff of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" but much more obnoxious.  But could Wendy possibly be a Wendell?  Let's take a look.

The bitch is huge, her bio on several websites i found claims that she is 5'11, but with the boots she was wearing, she easily looks 6'5.  She has an obviously fake wig, that adds another few inches to her giant frame.  Being that Rupaul used to host a similar style talk show, is it possible that they are the same person?  What do you guys think?

Dodgers acquire Scott Podsednik from Royals

The Dodgers made a move today to improve their depth in the outfield, acquiring speedy Royals outfielder Scott Podsednik.  The Royals received two minor leaguers in the deal:  Catcher Lucas May, and Pitcher Elisaul Pimental.


Podsednik is having another solid year, producing a line of .309/.352/.400, with 5 HR's and 30 steals.  He should give the Dodgers another option at the top of the lineup, and also gives Los Angeles a little more flexibility, while Manny Ramirez recovers from his latest injury.  Scott also has an insanely hot wife.  Yowza!

Lucas May was the Dodgers 17th ranked prospect according to www.minorleagueball.com.  He has hit pretty well in the minors, but is considered a project on the defensive side.

Elisaul Pimental wasn't ranked as a top prospect in the Dodgers system, although he does have some impressive strikeout numbers in the lower minors.

Mrs. Podsednik.  Lucky Bastard!
Kevin Says:  I like this deal if I'm a Dodgers fan.  Podsednik isn't going to catapult the Dodgers to the NL West lead, but he can be a solid piece of the puzzle.  He can steal bases, hit for average, and play Left and Center field.  He can be a Juan Pierre type of player for Los Angeles.  It also decreases the playing time of Xavier Paul, who has cost the Dodgers a few games with poor defense.  Nice trade overall for the Dodgers.








Chargers extend Gates through 2015. Mcneil and Jackson next?

The Chargers took care of one of their own today, signing All-Pro Tight End Antonio Gates to a new deal that keeps him in blue and gold through 2015.  Gates' contract was due to expire at the end of the 2010 season.

According to Chris Mortenson of ESPN, the deal calls for Gates to average $7.235 million a year, with approximately $20 million guaranteed.

Gates made his sixth Pro Bowl last season, with 1157 yards on 79 receptions.  He found his way into the end zone 8 times, helping the Chargers to an AFC West title.  Not bad for a guy who played basketball in college.

Kevin says:  Let this be a lesson to the current Charger holdouts;  Keep your mouth shut, play hard, and you will get paid.  Antonio Gates is one of the best Tight Ends to ever play the game, and this deal gets him closer to wrapping up a possible Hall of Fame career in San Diego.

According to various reports, Marcus McNeil is next up for a deal.  Hopefully the Chargers can get all their stars in camp, because a Super Bowl run is not out of the question.  That run will be near impossible without McNeil and Vincent Jackson.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Random Thoughts: Butch Lesbians

Would you prefer this?
As a "flaming" heterosexual, watching hot girls make out is one of my favorite past time activities.  Most red-blooded men would agree, due to the fact that hundreds of girl-on-girl videos are produced every year.  In fact, an adult website claims that 99 % of all "lesbian" porn is indeed produced for straight men.  You don't often see what we call "butch" lesbian porn, and its something that I have always thought about.  What is the deal with "butch" lesbians.

While I have absolutely no problems with gays, butch lesbians and their partners have often left me a bit perplexed.  A girl likes another girl, because she isn't interested in guys, so why do some girls go for other girls that look like men?  If your hot young girl, why would you date some chick with a beer gut and a mullet.  I've seen this scenario many times walking around here in San Diego. 

If I were a lesbian, I would want another hot girl.  I would want someone feminine, with knockers the size of my head, because I'm a gay woman.  What would be the point of dating and screwing a girl that looks like a man.  You might as well go for a man, because I'm sure the real thing feels better than a hollowed-out piece of plastic.  Perhaps I would have to be a lesbian to understand.

Or perhaps this is better?
Which brings me back to the topic of lesbian porn.  Gay porn(two guys playing hide the sausage) is obviously intended for homosexual men.  Show me a straight guy that watches it, and I'll show a closet homosexual.  So why don't we see two girls, one with a mullet, and the other one with a buzzcut going to town on each other?  The answer is obvious:  no one wants to see that shit.  So why are other gay females attracted to females that look like men.  Is it because they like the sensitivity of a woman, with the looks of a man?  It's one of life's great mysteries I suppose.  Does anyone have any insight?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

T.O. Brings his act to Cincinnati

The Bengals today signed flamboyant Wide Receiver Terrell Owens to a one year deal for $2 million, with another $2 million possible with incentives.  T.O. will join Chad Ochocinco, in an effort to improve Cincinnati's weak passing game, which ranked only 25th in the NFL last season.

If it doesn't make the Bengals better, at least it makes them more interesting.  Chad Ochocinco is already referring to the duo as Batman and Robin, although I prefer to call them the "Ambiguously Gay Duo".

Kevin Says:  I really don't think this move makes Cincinnati a better team.  The Bengals rode a power running game featuring Cedric Benson last season, so a vertical passing game may not be in the works.  The Bengals already signed WR Antonio Bryant earlier in the offseason, and drafted a TE in the first round.  At the end of the day, there might not be enough receptions to go around.  Neither Ochocinco nor Owens strike me as team-first players.  The Bengals should be competitive nonetheless.

Revisiting the Jake Peavy trade: One Year Later

When Jake Peavy was traded last season, Padre fans everywhere were angry, sad, and confused.  A guy drafted and developed by San Diego, who won two ERA titles, and a Cy Young award in 2007.  I took a different approach, Jake Peavy was a terrible big game pitcher, and spent a lot of time on the DL.  I was excited to see the how the four pitchers the Padres got in return would fair.  So lets take a look at the names that changed teams.

White Sox acquire:  Jake Peavy.  Jake Peavy, perhaps one of the finest pitchers to ever wear a Padres uniform, was supposed to step to the front of the White Sox rotation and give them a 1-2 punch with Mark Buherle.  Peavy struggled this season, started to turn things around, and then went down with an injury to his right arm.  His stats for 2010:  7-6, 4.63 ERA in 107 Innings.


Padres Acquire:  Pitcher Clayton Richard, Pitcher Aaron Poreda, Pitcher Adam Russell, Pitcher Dexter Carter.

When the Padres made this trade, Aaron Poreda was supposed to be the centerpiece of the deal for San Diego.  He was the White Sox top rated prospect, and could hit 100 MPH, a rarity for a southpaw.  However, he has struggled this year in AAA, going 1-1 with a 4.87 ERA in 20.1 innings.  He walks a vomit-inducing 11.7 batters per 9 innings.  If he can harness his control, he could be a future closer.

Clayton Richard jumped right into the rotation after the trade, and did a solid job.  He's been even better this year going 7-5, with a 3.57 ERA.  Looks like Clayton will be a mainstay for years to come, and has become one of my favorites to watch.

Adam Russell, a tall right-handed reliever has struggled in Portland this year, going 3-7 with a 5.80 ERA.  He has actually done a little better in his limited action with the Padres, sporting a 3.72 ERA in 6 games.  Could be a useful middle reliever down the stretch.

Dexter Carter was leading the Minors in strikeouts when he came to the Padres, then fell of the map completely.  In six starts last season, in low A Fort Wayne, Dexter went 1-4 with a 12.86 ERA.  He's followed that up with a 1-4 record with a 6.75 ERA in two levels of A ball.  Looks more like a suspect than a prospect.

Kevin Says:  Padres win this trade so far, since Clayton Richard is a big part of the Padres surprising run for the pennant.  Poreda has struggled this year, but has the talent to be a big part of the future.  If Jake can stay healthy next year, the White Sox will feel much better about this trade.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Cowboys Tight End Martellus Bennett Caught with his Pants Down, Literally...

As technology has progressed over time, it has allowed us to have flat-screen televisions, and hybrid cars.  It has also enabled us to send people pictures of our junk at lightning speed.  Most of us have done this, and its bound to happen to athletes and celebrities.  Just ask Cowboys Tight End Martellus Bennett.

Bennett apologized today for naked pictures of him that surfaced today on a website.  He claimed that they were taken four years ago, and were meant to get him into the end zone of an ex-girlfriend.

The Cowboys haven't disciplined Bennett yet, and I wonder if Adolf Goddell will have anything to say about what has transpired.

Bennett has been involved in some controversy before, with his antics on youtube.  In one video, Bennett made a video of what he called the "Black Olympics", in which he and his brother competed to see who could eat the most fried chicken and watermelon.(no joke)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS2ZIAQkVc0

Kevin Says:  I don't really see what the big deal of the pictures is.  It's not his fault that some sleazebag bitch of an ex tried to make a little money from selling these private pictures to a website.  Granted, a pro athlete should have more sense than do to something like this, but its not like he wanted the attention.  To me, the bigger issue is the hoe, unless this guy did something sleazy to you, you could be a candidate for "douchebag of the week."

Matt Garza throws a No-Hitter; The Fifth this Season

Matt Garza of the Tampa Bay Rays, threw a no-hitter Monday evening, the fifth one Major League Baseball has seen this year.  He did it against the Detroit Tigers, a team that has had some issues since the All-Star break.

Garza, who got roughed up in his last outing, allowed only a second inning walk to Brennan Bosech, and quickly erased him by coaxing a double play grounder.  The Tigers only hit a few balls hard, and never really made a threat.

The Rays got all the runs they would need on a Grand Slam by former Tiger Matt Joyce, and Carl Crawford added another dinger later to put the cherry on top.

Garza pounded the strike zone, throwing 120 pitches, 80 of them for strikes. He got his last strikeout in the bottom of the ninth, getting Gerald Laird looking with a fastball.  Garza had six for the game.

Kevin Says:  No-hitters are becoming like Home Runs during the steroid era, they happen so often, no one really cares.  I guess the pitchers have an advantage when the sluggers of the league don't have a needle hanging from their asses.  The Padres and Mets are the only teams that haven't thrown a no-hitter.  I think that Mat Latos of San Diego will eventually throw one.

Joakim Noah Buying a Bong? No Shit!

For those of you who don't check out www.deadspin.com you guys are really missing out.  They always have great content, and they always seem to find great stories.  This one made me laugh my ass off.

We all know Joakim Noah, that ugly descendant of Sasquatch that plays center for the Chicago Bulls.  Joakim, who won two National Championships with Florida, finally showed flashes of being a useful NBA player this season, averaging 10.7 points and 11 rebounds a game.  So what could possibly be the cause of Joakim stepping up his game?  Well the tonic folks, could be a little chronic.

According to Deadspin, Mr. Noah was spotted in March, in a part of town known as "headshop row".  Could he be there just for a friend, or looking for a pipe to smoke regular tobacco(who the fuck does that?) 

When I look at Noah, stoner is a label that fits, he's got that long unkempt hair, and a beard that resembles my first patch of pubic hair.  Weed maybe what kept him from going postal in Cleveland, so if Jo-Jo likes to smoke a little on the side, who am I to judge?  It is fitting that he plays for the Chicago Bowls...I mean Bulls.

Doesn't dude look like Sasquatch?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Angels Acquire Dan Haren from D'backs

Just days after pulling the trigger on a trade for Alberto Callaspo from Kansas City, the Angels made a blockbuster deal, acquiring Arizona ace Dan Haren.   The Angels gave up Joe Saunders, and three minor leaguers.

Haren, has struggled a bit this season, going 7-8 with a 4.60 ERA and he has surrendered 23 homers.  He is a 3 time all-star, and lead the National League in WHIP last season.  He is expected to give the Angels another frontline starter, to stand beside Jared Weaver.  The Angels are currently seven games behind surging Texas in the American League West.

Joe Saunders moves on to Arizona where he will step in to the rotation of last-place Arizona.  Joe Saunders, an all-star in 2008, has just a 6-10 record on the season for the Angels, along with a 4.62 ERA.

The three minor league players that Arizona received were pitcher Patrick Corbin, pitcher Rafael Rodriguez, and a player to be named, although reports show that it will be minor league hurler Tyler Skaggs.

Kevin says:  The deal is very ballsy for the Angels.  They take on an awfully lot of money(Haren is owed $12.75M in both '11 and '12) and it shows that the Angels are committed to winning.  The Angels also avoided giving up Mike Trout, considered by many to be their top prospect.  Arizona gets an average pitcher in Joe Saunders, who at the very least can eat some innings during whats left of Arizona's lost season.  Tyler Skaggs is supposed to be the key to the deal, a 19 year old pitcher that can touch the low to mid-nineties.   A definite win for the Angels.

What the Hell Happened to Lindsay Lohan?

Lets take a trip back to 2004.  Things were grand, I was still a young naive teenager.  The Chargers had their first winning season since 1995.  Janet Jackson's saggy tittie popped out, sending the whole nation into a panic.  But for me, Lindsay Lohan was definitely a big highlight.

You see, Mean Girls, the breakout hit by the yummy Lohan, was a huge box-office smash, making over $100 million.  It looked like Lindsey was poised for super-stardom.  She was ridiculously hot, with the red hair, big fake boobies(allegedly) and had a little bit of thickness going on.

Fast forward to 2010, Lindsay is an absolute disaster.  Her film career is as dead as Abraham Lincoln, she started doing cocaine(allegedly) and she looks all tweaked out.  Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick her out of the sack, but she definitely dropped a few points on the Kevin scale of hotness.  Let's take a look, shall we?

Lindsay circa 2004

Take a look at the picture on the left.  This is Lindsay in her prime of hotness, sometime in 2004.  Shes rocking the wavy red hair, nice looking smile and a rack that could make grown men cry.

 Now look at the pic in the lower-right.  She looks retarded, her skin looks older, and the blond hair doesn't do it for me.  She looks much older now, perhaps a couple of shots of botox could be in order.  Learn your lesson young ladies.  Don't chain-smoke, drink excessively, or start dating bull-dyke's.  Live your life by these rules, and you will avoid becoming a jailbird like our young Lindsay.