Saturday, August 7, 2010

Douchebag of the week: JT the Brick

There is no real reason why JT wins the award this week, I just have grown tired of his act.  JT has just been his usual obnoxious self, polluting the airwaves every night.

For those of you who do not know who JT is, I'll break it down for you.  JT hosts an overnight sports-talk radio program that airs five days a week.  JT considers him a "hardcore" fan, and expects the same out of his callers.  If you do not give JT what he wants, he will dump you with a ridiculous POWWWWWW sound.  JT is a former caller to the highly successful Jim Rome show, but there are many differences between the two.

First, JT is a blind homer.  Listen to his show, or follow him on twitter, and you will find nothing but Yankee propaganda.  The Rays win a series last week, and JT dusts off the "what have the Rays ever won" rationalization.  Sounds like sour grapes to me, Mr national-radio host.

We can also go back to the rant that made me into a full-blown JT hater.  During the Yankees vs. Dodgers series in June, JT was appalled by the Dodger fans chanting of "Yankees suck!"  While any intelligent baseball fan knows that the Yankees are the model franchise, and the chant was obviously done in jest.  Mr. Brick hits the air, and bitches for at least 10 minutes about how great the Yankees are, and how stupid Dodger fans are for making that chant.   Well Kevin says:  Lighten the fuck up!  It's a baseball game.

I personally believe JT's days on the air are numbered.  They don't kick you to the overnights as part of a promotion, and JT's personality doesn't really mesh with the overnight drunk callers.

So congratulations JT, you have annoyed me to no end with your idiocy.  Enjoy this award JT, it will be your solace when you're back on local radio!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Guilty pleasures in music

Thanks to the invention of Ipod's, we are now able to carry our whole collection of music in our pocket.  It's always great to slap on the headphones, and get lost in music that we love.  Being that I love metal and punk, most of my music collection consists of that type of music.  But sprinkled throughout my collection of music, you will find some stuff that is less than cool.  Here are a few examples:

Lady Gaga:  I still am not very sure why i dig some of her music.  I mostly hate "dance" music, but she has an edgy darkness that i like. I would like to see her do some darker music, perhaps channel her inner Marilyn Manson.  She definitely has it in her.

Taylor Swift:  It's only natural that I have the highest selling album of 2009.  She writes pretty decent pop music, fused with that twangy country sound.  I find myself signing along to some of these tracks, an egregious error for a self-proclaimed metalhead.

Good Charlotte:  Back in the heyday of this band, I took a lot of shit for liking them.  Their breakthrough album "The Young and the Hopeless" made them MTV heroes.  In 2002, I was a depressed teenager, and tracks like "The Anthem" and "Hold On" made me feel like I belonged somewhere.  While its not a great album musically, it is one I will throw on from time-to-time.

Static-X:  Hard to believe these guys have been around so long.  Their first two albums, "Wisconsin Death Trip" and "Machine" actually went platinum, despite little mainstream support.  Their lyrics however, are beyond retarded.  Here's a sample:  "You push it, yeah you push it, yeah you push it."  There also also some deep growls thrown in there for good measure.  The guitar work is rather average, yet they have some catchy tracks.  Hard to believe I once considered this "metal".

Hey Monday:  More generic female-fronted pop-punk, that is Paramore-light.  The songs are catchy, what can I say, I like this kind of music.  It's basically pop, but tracks like "Set it Off" have some nice energy.

What bands or artists are your "guilty pleasures?"  Tell me in the comments section.

Royals designate Jose Guillen

The Kansas City Royals cut ties with their highest played player today, dumping outfielder Jose Guillen.  Guillen, in the final year of a 3 year, $36 million deal, was leading the Royals with 16 HR's and 62 RBI's wasn't in the plans of the perpetually rebuilding Royals.

Kansas City, now has 10 days to trade or release Guillen, although Kansas City would be lucky to get a fringe prospect for him.  The Royals recalled pitcher Phillip Humber to take Guillen's place on the roster.

Kevin Says:  It's not very often a team designates their leading power hitter, but their are several reasons why this makes sense.  First, Jose Guillen has an unfortunate history of being a malcontent, and a clubhouse cancer. Second, this expedites a trade, and hopefully the Royals can get something useful for him.  And lastly, Guillen clearly wasn't in the future plans for the Royals,and it gives guys like Mitch Maier and Alex Gordon an opportunity to play every day.  The Giants and the Cardinals could be possible fits for Guillen.

Tila Tequila to do a porn...

Tila getting ready for her adult-film debut
I can't really say I didn't see this one coming.  According to an article on http://www.radaronline.com/ taken from benmaller.com, reality whore Tila Tequila is in negotiations to star in an X-rated film.  The well must be dry for bisexual dating shows,so doing porn is a natural progression.

According to the aforementioned article, Tequila hopes to make millions from the distribution of this porn, and she probably will. People(including yours truly) are mildly interested in semi-celebrity sex tapes.  I checked out the Kardashian tape, as well as Paris Hilton's.  Both were pretty awful, but being that this film should have professional cameraman, it should be watchable.

Tila has already put some of the money to good use, as she has recently purchased a Lamborghini, according to her posts on twitter.  I'm assuming the rest will go towards new, bigger tits, and a bunch of cocaine. 

Even though this chick looks like an alien,I wouldn't kick her out of bed.  Let's hope this film is worth the forty bucks it will cost at an adult video store near you.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

3-D has offically gone too far: Justin Bieber bio film is on the way...in 3-D!

50 million teenage girls have just peed their pants in excitement.  Everyone's favorite teen heartthrob, is coming to a theatre near you.

Paramount Pictures has green lit a Justin Bieber biography, slated to be released around Valentine's day 2011.  For some reason, this film will be shot in 3-D, which seems almost as pointless as Step Up 3-D.  So why is this movie being made?

The answer is obvious:  it's all about money.  For some reason, this kid is an absolute Juggernaut.  He sells out 20,000 seat arenas, his video on Youtube has been watched over 260 million times, and he graces the cover of every insipid teenage magazine around.

Quite frankly, it doesn't really matter what the movie is about.  It could be J Bibbs sitting on the toilet, dropping a duke for two hours, and 14 year old girls would see it 5 times.  The movie is a memoir of sorts, since he is apparently writing an autobiography.

I can't really grasp the concept of this kid.  He looks nice enough, none-threatening, but the first time I heard one of his songs, I thought that Alvin and the Chipmunks made a come-back album.  I mean, what kind of story can a 16 year old kid tell?  Perhaps they will devote 10 minutes of this train wreck to the sprouting of his first pubic hair.  Then they can have a scene where he cries because he discovers their is no Santa Claus.

I envy this kid.  Can you imagine the amount of girls that would throw themselves at him.  I would go blind with temptation, this kid could probably bag just about anyone.  The power he has would be unimaginable. 


But really, how compelling can a life story of a squeaky clean 16 year old that looks like he's 12 really be.  Plus, its in 3-D, so girls can get virtual locks of his hair in their faces.  Yeah, this movie is going to be a disaster, but will end up turning a huge profit.  Enjoy girls.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A-Fraud socks his 600th Homer

Welcome to the club A-Fraud.  With one swing of the bat Alex Rodriguez will be forever grouped with legends like Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, and Babe Ruth.  Since he admitted that he took steroids, he will also be grouped with cheaters like Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro.

When I was a young, naive baseball fan, I would actually be excited about this event.  I love baseball history, and seeing Rodriguez do something that only a handful of other baseball players have done, would have had me glued to my television.  Today, I just didn't really care.  Steroids raped the game of its innocence, and in a lot of ways it ruined aspects of the game for me.

Lets take a trip back to the year of 1998.  The Padres won the pennant, and I was captivated by the Home Run race between Mark Mcgwire and Sammy Sosa.  I'd watch every single game I could, and I watched Baseball Tonight to get my fix.  I felt privileged to see the greatest record in sports be smashed, and both players were very classy.  Now I look back at that year with contempt.

Not only were those two guys on the juice, but at least two players(Wally Joyner & Ken Caminiti) from that NL champion Padre team confessed to cheating.  I also have suspicion of Greg Vaughn who hit 50 bombs that year.  The game became an absolute joke.

Which brings me back to A-Fraud.  The guy stepped into the game, and won a batting title very early in his career.  He didn't need steroids to make him great.  What it turned him into was a slugging shortstop unlike the game has ever seen.  He owes much of it to cheating.  The money, the MVP's, the flat-chested blonde's he's so fond of.  None of it matters though, A-Fraud will never sniff the Hall of Fame.  The only thing that matters to A-Fraud is money.  Enjoy it, and thanks for pissing on the game I love.

Snooki gets arrested

Every one's favorite, pint-size bitch was arrested for disorderly conduct in New Jersey last weekend.  According to an article on http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2010/07/30/snooki-arrested-disorderly-conduct/

The police said that "Snooki"was acting disorderly, and was seen earlier in the day doing bodyshots, and purchasing a beer-bong.

I always find it hilarious when "celebrities" are arrested, especially lowlifes like these people.  Doesn't this whore live her life in a constant inebriated state?  Doesn't she get paid an obscene amount of money to drink, tan, and act stupid?  So what exactly was she doing that caused her to get arrested?

I have never watched this show, but I find it offensive.  I do, am of Italian descent, and these slobs make us look bad.  I always believed that "Guido" was an offensive term, but this little greaseball turned it into a cultural phenomenon.  Fuck you, Jersey Shore!

Random Thoughts: Applebees

Oh, good old Applebee's.  The friendly neighborhood place for good food, and good friends.  At least that is what the commercials tell us.

Applebee's is a pretty decent place, passable food at passable prices.  You can have a cheap Sam Adams to go with your overcooked steak.  And at the restaurant I frequent, they always seem to have good-looking waitresses.  You have to love a place that has delicious eye-candy.

They also have a pretty kick-ass happy hour.  Who doesn't love half-price wings and beer.  Shit, the way I am describing this place, it seems like heaven on Earth.  But wait, there's so much more.

I'm starting to think the bastards in the kitchen are screwing with me.  I went in there tonight, looking forward to some cheap, delicious wings.  I left with a small child in my colon.  As I am typing this, it feels like the insides of my stomach are being ripped to shreds.  I'm pounding a concoction of Pepto, and Rolaids.

So next time you are enjoying some cheap eats, and hot waitresses, remember you will pay for it later.  $4 wings are just too good to be true.  Do your insides a favor, and pass next time.  Or your toilet will be colors you've never seen before.

Brett Favre retires...for now

Ladies and Gentlemen, get ready for this years version of Favrewatch.  While we wait for some meaningless preseason games to be played, we again have Favre to entertain us.

Every year since 2002, Favre has contemplated retirement.  It lead to a messy divorce from the Green Bay Packers in 2008.  After spending a mediocre year in New York, Brett had arguably his finest year last year, leading the Vikings to a berth in the NFC title game.  So if Brett is playing at such a high level, why not try to win another Super Bowl?  Well, there are many reasons.

Favre took an absolute beating last year in the aforementioned title game, taking numerous hits,and sustaining an ankle injury that required offseason surgery.  Multiple reports have stated that the ankle injury hasn't healed enough for Favre to play at a high level.

Favre is also 40, and not too many Quarterbacks have played at a high level at that age.  After being sacked 500 times, and being knocked down many times more, the thought of 250 lb Linebackers chasing after you, doesn't seem like an appealing proposition.  So what does Favre do?

I believe he is coming back to Minnesota.  He has $13 million on the table, and that is a ridiculous amount of money to just leave on the table.  Brett has also been working out, so if he were going to hang it up, why bother throwing around the pigskin?

Brett is one of the finest QB's to ever play the game, but he is an even bigger media-whore.  He seems to love the delicious Rachel Nichols of ESPN following him around.  Brett loves flipping on the TV, and seeing the around-the-clock coverage dedicated to him.  Plus, the longer he delays his decision, the more training camp he misses.  Then Brett can come out of the tunnel on opening night, and once again be the savior.

I would be willing to bet a lot of money on Favre coming back, he is just once again lubing up his dong, so he can mindfuck another legion of fans.  Make it quick, Brett.

Mark Prior signs with the Orange County Flyers

Mark Prior is back in Professional baseball, sort of.  Mark Prior signed with the Orange County Flyers today, trying to reestablish a once promising career.

Prior, who is still just 29, hasn't pitched in the majors since 2006.  He signed a minor league contract with the Padres in 2008, and again in 2009, but he was never able to see any game action.

Prior had his best season in 2003, going 18-6 with 2.43 ERA in 32 starts.  He pitched the Cubs to an NLCS berth.

Kevin Says:  This is a good move for Mark Prior.  Hopefully he can stay healthy, and reestablish himself as a useful player once again.  Players like Daniel Nava and Scott Richmond have made the show after playing in the Golden Baseball League.  Besides Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, Prior is the biggest name to play in this independent league.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Random thoughts: Smokers in the workplace

If you have ever held a job for more than five minutes, you have probably worked with smokers at some point. While I don't choose to smoke myself, I don't judge those who do.  I do however, find some of their behavior to be quite annoying.

I don't get the concept of a "smoke break."  Here in California, if you work an eight hour shift, you typically get a lunch break, then two shorter break periods.  You take a break a couple of hours into your shift, relax, then get your ass back to work for a few hours.  Well smokers find a way to rape the system.

"Dude, I'm gonna take a smoke break, cover my department."  A smoking co-worker said to me recently.  He said this forty-five minutes into his shift.  So he steps out, fires up a Marlboro, and gets to escape the drudgery of retail for a few minutes.  Then an hour later he takes his "actual" break.  Hmm, two hours in, and this dope has already taken two breaks.  This pattern repeats itself over an eight hour day, and my smoking pal has taken seven breaks to my three.  Wait, is that right.

Smoking is apparently an excuse to be a lazy bastard.  It is perfectly acceptable to smoke when your supposed to be working, yet if i decide to randomly take a five minute stroll outside, or if I take an unplanned dump, I'm a terrible employee.

Most smokers also have no concept on how bad smoke smells, especially men.  If your gonna smell like shit constantly, bring some cologne, a pack of tic-tacs, and freshen yourself up a bit.  It's really not that hard fellas.

Perhaps I should just take up smoking, if I feel like slacking off for a few minutes, i can just light up. Can you imagine?  "Umm, yeah i can't help that customer in laptops, I gotta go suck on the tit of Camel Joe, I'll catch you guys in five.

I feel it often leaves me out of the social loop.  People like to go outside, swap stories over a smoke, and up each other.  While Kevin the non-smoker, is forced to sit in the breakroom, alone, watching PBS. 

Perhaps its time to start smoking.  It may cause premature aging, lung cancer, and bad breath, but I will be able to take more breaks at work, and my social life will improve.  Yeah, I think it's a fair trade.

Recapping the Trade Deadline: Winners and Losers

Ludwick is a Padre
The trade deadline came and went with a flurry of deals.  There were a few moves I expected, as well some real surprises.  Here's a list of the major deals made today.
  • Rays acquire Chad Qualls from the Diamondbacks for a player to be named later.  Qualls has been brutal this year, perhaps he can be revitalized by going to a team in the hunt for a pennant.
  • Boston acquires Jarrod Saltamacchia from the Rangers for 2 minor leaguers.  With Victor Martinez and Jason Vartiek both eligible for free agency after this season, Salty could be the catcher of the future.  Low risk potential high reward.
  • The Rangers acquired infielder Christian Guzman from Washington for a pair of minor leaguers.  Guzman gives the Rangers a solid utility infielder, and will likely start with Ian Kinsler on the DL.
  • Braves acquire reliever Kyle Farnsworth, and Outfielder Rick Ankiel from the Royals for reliever Jesse Chavez, utility man Gregor Blanco, and minor leaguer Tim Collins.  The Royals sell off a couple of pending free agents, whiles the Braves get a little more depth.  Farnsworth is a turd in big games, an implosion is likely.
  • The acquire reliever Will Ohman from the Orioles for pitcher Rick VandenHurk.  Ohman is a decent pitcher, but he won't make a big difference.  VandenHurk is a hard-throwing young pitcher who has some potential.
  • Pirates acquire Chris Snyder, and minor leaguer Pedro Ciriaco from the Diamondbacks for Bobby Crosby, D.J. Carrasco, and Ryan Church.  The Pirates get a decent young catcher for a bunch of garbage.  Arizona was clearly trying to shed salary.
  • The Padres, Indians, and Cardinals swung a three-team trade as well.  The Padres acquire outfielder Ryan Ludwick, the Cardinals get Pitcher Jake Westbrook, and the Indians receive two pitching prospects.  I love this move as a Padre fan, they get a power-hitting outfielder without surrendering any of their top prospects.  Westbrook will give the Cards a decent option at the back of their rotation.
  • The Dodgers acquire Ted Lilly, and Ryan Theriot from the Cubs, in exchange for infielder Blake Dewitt and two min for leaguers.  The Dodgers also acquired Octavio Dotel from Pittsburgh, in exchange for pitcher James Mcdonald and minor leaguer Andrew Lambo.
  • The Giants acquired a pair of relievers, getting Ramon Ramirez from Boston for a minor leaguer Daniel Turpen.  They also get Javier Lopez from the Pirates for John Bowker and pitcher Joe Martinez.
  • The Yankees acquired Kerry Wood from the Indians for a player to be named.  If he can stay healthy, he can give them another option in the 8th inning.  He can't be much worse than Joba Chamberlain has been this year.
  • Lilly goes to the Dodgers
  • Winners:  Padres, Yankees, Rangers.
  • Losers- Red Sox, Twins