Saturday, October 9, 2010

Random Thoughts: I have Road Rage

Driving is kind of a pain in the ass.  I remember when I was in High School, and I saw driving as a portal to girls.  I looked around and saw that all the guys in my grade that were getting tail, had a set of wheels.  As someone who had to walk two miles each way to school, I had it in my head that I had no shot with girls, and alas, I graduated High School as a virgin.

I worked at McDonald's while in High School, and eventually saved enough money to buy a car.  I remember how glorious it felt.  I could finally drive down to the beach, or the mall, or pretty much wherever I please.  It also meant that I was able to solicit the dating services of the young ladies of San Diego.

Well fast-forward seven years, and driving has lost that once majestic feeling.  It's now something I do to go to work and come home, and its hardly fun.  The thing that makes it quite annoying, are the retards that populate the road.

My biggest pet peeve is slow drivers.  When I bust out my 2001 Toyota Echo, I mean business, bitches!  I'm on the freeway to drive at least the speed limit, if not faster.  I like to roll around 70-75, and all these other Nancy's are driving around 60.  The biggest culprits of this atrocity are Asian women, and people from Mexico.  Seriously, San Diegans, next time you see a terrible driver on the freeway, I almost guarantee the bastard has a Baja license plate.  I like to cut these bastards off, while simultaneously flipping them off.  Get off the road Pedro!

People who fail to merge also piss me off to no end.  You are driving a lane, and the lane to your right is ending, so that person has to get into your lane.  So I naturally slow down, and I try to be the polite person I strive to be, and let them in the lane.  Naturally, this person isn't paying attention and drives as far right as possible, even sometimes on the shoulder.  You have two choices in this situation:  slow down and hope the bastard gets the point that he needs to move over, or drive at your normal speed, and pass the idiot.  Generally, I find the second option unsafe, because as soon as I try to pass, that is when our idiot friend will finally merge, and spin my car like a top.  Once when i tried to pass an idiot, he almost clipped my car, and I nearly died.  As retaliation, I threw a big gulp cup of Coke at his car and sped off.  You fuck with me, and you get the horns!

I also find that I swear uncontrollably when I drive.  Anyone who knows me knows I'm fairly mild-mannered, but stick me behind a wheel, and I turn into an evil monster.  I curse, I spew threats, I make obscene gestures.  Anything to get my point across.  I'm so bad on the road, I've even cussed out a 70-year-old bluehair driving a Buick.  I feel she endangered my life, thus she was a dirty twat.  I'm pretty sure that she heard me, as she almost wrapped her car around a pole.  Better you than me, you wrinkly, old whore!

In retrospect, my behavior is quite shameful.  Cursing at old ladies, and flipping off illegal immigrants is not the behavior of a gentlemen.  I've tried taking deep breaths, but driving kind of stresses me out.  If people would pull their head out of their ass, maybe I would be a little more calm.  Perhaps I should carpool for now on.

Douchebag of the Week: Glen Coffee

Glen Coffee was a last minute recipient of this week's award.  I was going to give it to Roger Goodell, and the the way that the NFL handles the blackout policy, but this Glen Coffee story is just too good, and too funny to not discuss. 

For those of you who do not remember, Coffee was a running back for the San Francisco 49'ers who abruptly retired at the old age of 23, a story in which I covered here.  I applauded Coffee for his decision, a lot of players would simply go through the motions, collect a paycheck, and go home.  Coffee decided that he had a higher calling, and decided to enter the ministry, and devote his life to God.

As someone who finds Christian's often intolerable, any shot that i can take at them, well, I take advantage of it.  So hear we go!

Glen Coffee was pulled over in Florida, apparently for speeding in his Cadillac.  When he failed to have insurance and a valid registration card, the cops took a peak in homie's car, and found a gun, in the cocked position.

So one has to ask, what exactly was a "man of Jesus," doing with a loaded gun?  I don't read my bible, put I', pretty sure God doesn't want his prophets carrying around loaded weapons.  Was he hoping to scare away some potential Satanists?  Perhaps he was trying to cleanse the South of those who don't follow the gospel, who knows what dude was thinking.

I suppose since he is no longer cashing those huge NFL paychecks, dude can't afford the $200 dollars for valid registration.  So one would think, "Hey, eventually the cops are going to pull me over, since I don't have current tags, I should probably conceal my gun somewhere."

These Christian buffoons are the best.  They preach about the horror's of premarital sex, swearing, drugs, and drinking, but hey look at the shit that these idiots do.  Mel Gibson is preaching to us with that Jesus movie, yet he had a child out of wedlock, and allegedly beat the shit out of her.  Coffee wanted to spread the message of gospel, yet his actions make him a sinner just like the rest of us.

You never won a title of any kind, but congratulations Glen Coffee, you are our Douchebag of the Week.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Censorship at its finest: AMC pulls Hatchet 2

Hatchet 2, the horror-comedy that features over-the-top gore, has been pulled by AMC theatres for undisclosed reasons.  Hatchet 2, which was the first unrated film to be released nationally in over 25 years, grossed around $70,000 over the weekend. 

One of the reasons that the film may have been pulled, is because of the fact that the film is unrated.  At some theatres, security was required to stand outside of the screen and check Id's.  The film also only grossed about $900 a screen, which is not a very lofty total.  The film was not permitted to be advertised in major theaters because the film was unrated.

The film's director, Adam Green, wanted the film to be unrated, because Hatchet, released in 2006, was heavily edited by the time it made it to theatres.  In order to keep all the violence and gore intact, Green, and the film company Dark Skies, wanted the public to see the original intended product.

For anyone who has seen the original Hatchet, we see a lady's head ripped in half, and a guy have his spine torn out in completely over-the-top, unrealistic gore, in the vein of a grindhouse film.  The movie is a lot of fun, and isn't nearly as dark as some of the "torture porn" genre.

What the MPAA tells up, is that cartoonish gore, featured in Hatchet 2, is unacceptable, but it is perfectly acceptable to see realistic violence.  The Saw films depict torture, and The Last House on the Left featured a very graphic rape scene.  All things that you think would be censored over exploding body parts.  The Hatchet films are no worse than some of the other violent, mainstream films that studios release. 

The film will do well on DVD and pay-per-view, but it is a big kick to the groin of uncensored horror.  We as the public, should make the choice of the films that we want to see, and get to see the original vision of the filmmakers, and not the watered-down excrement the MPAA deems fit for our society.  Support this film on DVD when it is released.

Charger notes: Tucker to IR, sign LB Obiozor to active roster

Today the Chargers put linebacker Jyles Tucker on injured reserve for the second straight season with a chest injury.  Tucker, has been a complete bust since signing a five year, $14.65 million dollar extension following the 2008 season, in which he had 5.5 sacks.

To take his place on the active roster,  the Chargers signed linebacker Cyril Obiozor.  Obiozor, 24, was signed off of the Cardinals practice squad.  He came into the league as an undrafted free agent in 2009, playing five games with the Green Bay Packers.  The Chargers already have linebackers James Holt, and 2010 third round pick Donald Butler on the reserve-injured list.

The Chargers also signed linebacker Nate Triplett to the practice squad.  Triplett was a training camp cut by the Minnesota Vikings.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Chargers take down the Cardinals 41-10

The Chargers Jekyll and Hyde type season continued on Sunday.  The Chargers terrorized the Cardinals on Sunday, in a game they won going away 41-10.  The Chargers have two blowout wins this season, to go with two sloppy, embarrassing losses to Kansas City and Seattle.

The Chargers allowed Arizona to move the ball deep into their territory to start the game, moving the ball down to the Chargers 22.  But Derek Anderson was picked off by Steve Gregory, and never looked back.

The Chargers went right down the field, mixing the run and pass quite effectively.  San Diego capped off the drive with Philip Rivers hooking up with Antonio Gates on a 33 yard score.  Gates became just the seventh tight end with 500 career receptions, a feat which further pads his resume for Canton.

Arizona was able to even the score at 7, after Darren Sproles fumbled, and Jets castoff Kerry Rhodes picked it up, and ran it back 42 yards.  The Chargers have lost fumbles in every game, something that is very alarming.

The Chargers were able to bounce right back, using the run game with Mike Tolbert, and Rivers connecting with Gates.  The Cardinals obviously didn't have a very good defensive gameplan, and the Bolts took advantage.  Mike Tolbert capped a 5 play, 63 yard drive with a 5 yard score that put San Diego up for good.

The big story for the Chargers was the play of their defense.  The Chargers had 9 sacks, including 4 by Shaun Phillips. Kevin Burnett also had 2 sacks, and the Chargers constant harassment of Derek Anderson led to his benching, in favor of undrafted rookie free agent Max Hall, out of BYU.

The Chargers led 28-7 at the half, and let the running game and defense take over in the second half.

Late in the third quarter, the Chargers went ahead 34-7, as Ryan Mathews punched in his first NFL score, an impressive run, in which he dived in.  Mathews was solid in limited action, with 9 carries for 55 yards.  Mike Tolbert had his first 100 yard game, rushing for exactly 100 yards on 18 carries, and a score.

The Chargers are 2-2, and play the hated Oakland Raiders next Sunday.

The Good:  This is the Charger team many of us expected.  Explosive on offense with Philip Rivers going to main weapon in Antonio Gates.  The big surprise of 2010, continues to be Mike Tolbert.  He runs hard, and the Chargers have a potentially dynamic trio of backs.  Having a solid ground game could help prevent another collapse in the playoffs.

The defense continued to be dominant.  Antonio Garay continues to be a solid replacement at nose tackle, and Shaun Phillips had arguably his best game as a pro with 4 sacks, and an interception he returned for a touchdown.  The Chargers also outgained Arizona 419-124.

The kick return coverage, which received must criticism, did a nice job, allowing only 17 yards a kick return.

The Bad:  The Chargers lost a fumble for the fourth straight game, which was returned for a score.  If the Chargers want to be considered a legitimate contender, they need to rectify this problem immediately.

Nate Kaeding also missed a 38 yard field goal, but he was able to bounce back with two makes over 40 yards.  You have to wonder if he still has lingering emotional issues from his misses in the playoffs.  Overall the Chargers played a very solid game.

Key Players:  Philip Rivers:  15-20, 241 yds, 2 TD's, 148 rating
                      Mike Tolbert:  18 rushes, 100 yds, 1 TD
                      Ryan Mathews:  9 rushes, 55 yds, 1 TD(first of career)
                      Antonio Gates:  7 catches, 144 yds, 2 TD's
                      Shaun Phillips:  4 sacks, interception, TD
                      Kevin Burnett:  7 tackes, 2 sacks, forced fumble