Friday, March 4, 2011

An Open Letter to Brandon Davies of BYU

Dear Brandon,

It is pretty terrible what hes transpired in your life the last few days.  I mean getting kicked off the basketball team for having sex?  I know BYU, is affiliated with the Mormon Cult, but that is still a bit harsh.  Look around the nation, athletes smoke weed, drive drunk, and they still get to play.  Hardly seems fair, right?

I guess the whole situation kind of is your fault.  You agreed to attend that fascist university, where people are to abstain from going after all their nature urges.  What the hell do you do when you have a craving for a Pepsi?  When you see a hot Mormon honey, do you automatically punch yourself in the crotch, to refrain from having unpure thoughts?

This whole Mormon "Honor Code," reeks of hypocrisy.  The university you attend is named after the man that was the president of the Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,and he also founded Salt Lake City, which I am assuming is the most boring city on Earth.  Oh, Young also had a total of 55 wives.  He also had 56 children by 16 of his different wives.  Seems like the dude should have had an episode of Maury named after him, not a religious educational institution.

So what I have learned from my Mormon pals is this:  nail a girl you are in a romantic relationship with, but not married to, and you are kicked off of the school.  Get married, and you can pretty much stick your penis anywhere.  I mean, how did they find out that you were getting some action?  Did you tell them you were, or were your teammates just jealous?  Bunch of player-haters, if you ask me.

You are a very good basketball player, my friend, so as your new friend, might I make a recommendation?  Come on down to San Diego, and play for the Aztecs.  Since BYU is taking off to play in the West Coast Conference, you would only have to sit out one season.  Most of the frontcourt are graduating, so you might even be the go-to-guy on this roster in 2012.  The best part of coming to America's Finest City?  The ladies!

Here, you are free to explore all the hotties SDSU has to offer.  Girls of all ethnicity's, shapes, and bra sizes.  Instead of getting kicked out of school for "knocking boots," your new teammates will give you a fist bump, and a chant of "playa, playa."  No one here will judge you for giving in to temptation.

Look, bottom-line is you broke the rules at BYU.  It is a very stupid rule, but you made a mistake.  It happens, my friend.  People are saying BYU did the right thing by dumping you for the season, possibly blowing a chance at the Final Four.  Their principles are more important, I suppose.  Hey, if you got caught with drugs, I'd support them booting your ass off the squad.  But all you are guilty of is getting some.  If every college kicked off players who engaged in premarital sex, well, there would be no one left.

Would you rather deal with a place that has a bunch of horseshit rules, or would you like to play at a school, with a great coach, and a bevy of sexy ladies?  The choice is yours, buddy.

Your new friend,

Kevin Charity

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