Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Joy Of Pillz

If you have been following this blog over the last month, I have been pretty open about my battle with various anxiety issues. Cognitive therapy starts in November, but until then the good doctors have put me on Celexa, a drug designed for people with anxiety issues.

The pills are supposed to take about 4-6 weeks to work, and so far I really haven't noticed a significant difference. I have noticed that my outlook has changed on life a bit, but I am not sure if that is my own doing. I don't feel the daily anxiety subsiding at all, so it is really hard to figure out where my improved optimism is coming from.

Perhaps one change is the weight that I have lost. About three months ago, I looked at myself in various pictures, and it kind of disgusted me. I never really considered myself "fat," but I had packed on some pounds. I weighted myself at the beginning of July, and I tipped the scales at 230 lbs. I am pretty sure it is the heaviest that I have ever been. I felt gross. So I started dieting and exercising a little bit. 3 months later, I am down about 30 lbs. I may need to buy new pants, but I suppose that is a good problem to have. Plus, I probably moved up a few levels with the ladies I could potentially pursue. Progress.

However, there have been some pretty gnarly side effects from these pills. The first, and most obvious, is the lack of sex drive. Granted, I am single, and have not made any effort to pursue the opposite sex. Before I used to break my neck to check out any half-breathing female that I crossed paths with. Now, I don't give most women a second look. I noticed that I don't have much of an interest in pursuing the opposite sex either. I am no social dynamo, but I really do not feel like being anywhere near a potential romantic relationship.

I have found that I have also been having some vivid, gut-wrenching dreams. I honestly cannot remember details about them, but I woke up feeling like shit, and the dreams put me in a terrible mood all day. A few I vaguely remembered involved my recent ex-girlfriend. Some involved some kind of death or terrible situation. I thought about keeping a pen and a notebook next to my bed to jot down the details, but I haven't gone that far. Vivid, realistic dreams are a side effect. So are suicidal thoughts and actions. I'll be sure to post when I slit my wrists.

I am trying to be more optimistic and I think it is working. I am naturally a pretty negative person. I expect the worst out of people and any situation. I am a nice person, and I always treat everyone I come across with respect, but I always have doubt in the back of my mind. Perhaps it some sort of defense mechanism? Just more fodder for a doctor, I suppose.

At the last doctor's office, he asked me if I had any questions. I asked how will I know when the medication actually starts working, or how does the medication actually work? He gave me some scientific explanation that went over my head. I guess I will know when I do not feel as paranoid in certain situations. The fun has just begun.

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