Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Tales From My Youth: F*ck Tha Police

I am going to regale you, my loyal readers from tales of my youth from time-to-time. My youth was relatively boring, but there are some interesting, funny stories. This is one of them.

I got my license a few weeks before I graduated high school, and bought a 2001 Toyota Echo(which I still drive) shortly after. I saved money for about two years, working at McDonald's(more about that in future posts) and was pretty proud of my vehicle, if it was kind of a chick car.

The coolest part about getting my car, is that my friends and I could actually go somewhere without having to depend on transportation, or walking for a few miles. A few months after I got my license, my friends and I piled in the Echo, and went to see Korn and Adema rip it up at the San Diego Sports Arena.

I wasn't really a big Korn fan, but my friends were, and the show was amazing. There were people everywhere, and I must have fallen on my ass ten times throughout the show. I was getting elbowed, pushed, and hit, and it was fun! If you have never been in a circle pit, then you are missing out.

After we got out of the show, I felt severely dehydrated, and proceed to chug a bunch of water, and I pounded 4 cans of Mountain Dew, all within the span of 5 minutes. Mountain Dew is generally gross, but when you are thirsty, you take what you can get.

After driving around, making fart and dick jokes, and eating Mexican food, I was ready to call it a night. I had to drive my friends home, then hit the hay, to go to work the next morning. The night was particularly foggy, and it was a cold December night. (cold by Southern California standards). I switched lanes, and didn't bother to look over my shoulder, cause it was 2am, and I figured I was clear. Well, I was not clear.

Turns out, a police officer from the El Cajon police department was in the other lane, and I cut him off. Yes, I cut off a police officer. Who the hell does that? Well, apparently 18 year-old does that. Naturally, he pulled me over, and was pretty pissed. I suppose I would have been too.

He starts with the standard line of "license and registration, please" and I was trying to not shit my pants. He also asked if I was drinking. Not really a surprising question, as it was 2am on a Friday night, and we were a car full of teenagers. I did not drink, and I told the officer that I did not have a drop. The officer shined his light in my face, and asked if I was on Ecstasy.

I was completely dumbfounded. Ecstasy? Did I have my penis exposed? Was I rubbing my fingers through my buddies hair, or trying to stick my dick in the cigarette lighter? The question completely through me off, and I all I could muster was a simple, "

Officer Dickhead asked me to get out of my car and do all the necessary drunk tests. He did not make me take a breathalyzer test, which in retrospect was a bit odd. He then advised me that he was calling in backup, including an "expert" who could determine, just by looking at me, if I was on drugs. I sat on the curb, in forty degree weather, shaking from the cold, and the fear of being taken to jail, where I would likely be sodomized.

After about ten minutes, our expert came in, and made his assessment that I was high off my ass. The cops then cornered me, and started to bully me, and get a confession, I guess. I have never done any kind of drugs in my life, so they would never get me to admit to a thing. It is one thing to accuse me of being drunk, or under the influence of pot, but Ecstasy? Did this guy even know what Ecstasy was?

I explained to the cop that I have a lazy eye, (I really do) and that was the reason my eyes were weird. I also voluntarily offered to take a blood test, cause I was innocent. Ultimately, they let me go, with just the ticket that I deserved.

That night was one of the weirdest nights of my life, and I am sure I will never forget the events of that evening. I don't trust police officers, and the event was scary, although I can laugh about it now. Ecstasy is a hell of a drug.