Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Random Thoughts: Don't Hit Send!

As I wrote in a blog a few weeks ago, I had a relationship of over three years come to an end recently. That blog was all about making peace with a difficult situation. It caught me off-guard, and I started going through all of the grieving processes one does when they are dumped.

First, I felt devastated, then angry, and sad again. I had a bevy of emotions that I needed to get off my chest. When a person clearly states that they would rather be molested by a panda, as opposed to be in the same room with you, it is important to find an outlet for the complex emotions that you experience. When things go bad for me, I write. I pick up a pen, or park myself in front of a computer, and start letting the words flow. It is my outlet, and my blogging has been the main source of the things that are inside my head.

However, when this relationship ended, I did not have the closure that one needs to feel like they can move on. Unresolved emotions can be an absolute bitch, and I had enough to fit inside Petco Park. I wanted to talk to her, but I knew that being rejected was a bit more than I could take. So I wrote her a letter. It wasn't not a mean letter, or a "fuck you, I hope you get eaten by coyote's letter." I believed the letter came across as mostly classy, thanking her for all the good times that we shared, and the happiness that I did experience. You simply do not see the same person everyday for nearly three years without being happy most of the time. At least I wouldn't. 

Perhaps the whole idea of a letter was stupid in the first place. I knew the relationship was over, I knew that a reconciliation was out of the question, and I knew it was time to get on with my life. I suppose I was just looking for a way to unburden myself. So I wrote the letter, and sent it.

I never got a response back. I did not really expect to. Hell, I am not sure what I was thinking in the first place. I should have wrote the letter, and left it alone. It should been something I should have wrote and kept for my own benefit. It is something I would never share here -- way too personal.

Through a network of mutual friends, and my own ninja hacking skills(yes, I hacked an e-mail account, which is a little pathetic) I find out that not only was the letter never read by her, but that she actually forwarded it along to others. My letter, the thoughts I had in my head, and my heart, were not worth her time to read. However, it was passed around like a bong at a frat party, and the experience was pretty embarrassing.

In retrospect, her actions told me all I needed. In fact, the experience was a healing process. This action told me all I needed to know; this girl was clearly not the one, and she is not worthy of my time. The action gave me clarity, and gave me the resolution I needed. After a month of being in the shitter, I actually feel really good now. I am staying busy, losing weight, and things are looking up for me.

Looking back, I needed to write the letter, but I should not have sent it to her. Again, I am not really sure what I was looking to accomplish. I should have listened to the friends who told me I was an idiot for even wasting my time. 

If you find yourself with a broken heart, writing your thoughts done is perfectly healthy and acceptable. But do not send it to the person who did it to you. Keep it hidden, or give it to a friend. Do not give that person that satisfaction. Don't hit send!