Friday, October 26, 2012

Random Thoughts: Confidence

Confidence is a funny thing. Some people have an abundance of it -- they can assert themselves into any situation and feel comfortable, even thrive. It is probably the number one trait that I admire in others, as I never have ever had much of it. In most facets of my life anyway.

I have longed to be that cocky asshole we all hate. The douchebag who uses too much hair gel, dresses like a dope, yet can walk up to any girl at a party and talk to her like he has known her all his life. I watch this guy from afar with his insincere pickup lines, his stale sense of humor. I wonder how any girl would fall for this idiot who thinks he is smooth. At the end of the night he lives with the hottest chick in the room and I leave alone.

In unfamiliar situations, I like to observe. I focus on the body language of others and how the people assemble themselves into a click. It is really applicable to any situation. Personally, I like myself. I think I am a valuable human being and I have traits that any person should be attracted to -- be it as a friend, acquaintance, romantic partner, or just another human being. I have yet to master the art of conveying that to others.

Part of the reason I decided to seek treatment was to build up some sort of confidence. Perhaps I can make others see the things I like in myself. Confidence is something I have never had, except for my writing.

I love to write and quite frankly, I am probably better at it then you. I am funny, I am witty and I am fucking entertaining. Don't believe me? Close the browser. I firmly believe that I am better than many who get paid to write professionally. In fact, why the hell am I not making a living as a writer?

I like the feeling I get from writing. It makes me feel better about myself. There has to be a way to apply that cockiness to my daily life. Sure, instead of coming across as a laid-back, nice guy, some might view as an asshole. At the end of the day, is that such a bad thing?

It seems like I just need to find a middle ground. I am hoping the ensuing weeks help me find the answers that I am looking for.