Monday, December 30, 2013

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be A Backup Quarterback

Remember when you were a kid? I do. I dreamed of infinitely impossible scenarios as a child. For a stretch, I dreamed of being the starting point guard for the Orlando Magic, playing alongside my favorite player, one Shaquille O'Neal. I was one part John Stockton, another part Michael Jordan.

Then in 1994, when I was a wee lad of nine, I was captivated by the Chargers magical run to the Super Bowl. I worshiped Junior Seau, Natrone Means, Stan Humphries and the rest of the crew. The moment when Dennis Gibson knocked down that pass at the goal line, sending the Chargers to the biggest game in team history was one of the greatest moments of my life.

I pictured that Super Bowl in my mind. Niners up by four, two minutes left. Quarterback Kevin Charity had to move the ball 80 yards. Greatness and triumph were inevitable. Every child's dream right? Nah. Forget that.

Once I started to understand the game in greater detail, I became enamored with the backup quarterback. Most backups play. Reserve running backs get carries, linebackers play on special teams and in certain packages. The only guy who doesn't see action is the backup QB. He sits there, armed with a baseball cap,(fitted or snap-back) a headset and a clipboard. If you see him on the sideline, he appears to be sending in signals and helping the coaching staff. You know damn well he is probably doodling dicks all over the paper.

So you wanna be Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning or Philip Rivers? Good for you. I aspire to be Charlie Whitehurst, Derek Anderson, Ryan Mallet and David Carr.

What the hell is wrong with me? I don't want the MVP awards, the Super Bowl trophy's and the glory? Sure, that would be rad. However, I don't necessarily want the injury risk, the pressure and the scrutiny. I want the large paycheck, without having to do a whole lot.

Take Charlie Whitehurst, for example. Charlie was a 3rd round pick for the Chargers back in 2006. He has the size and tools you look for in a quarterback. He is good-looking, young and filthy-rich! Whitehurst has played a handful of snaps this year for the Chargers and has pocketed a cool $1.2 million. Since he convinced Pete Carroll he might be a star. The Seahawks traded for Whitehurst. He started four games for the Seahawks. He pocketed $8 million.

Can you imagine the life? Whitehurst has thrown 155 career passes and has made well over $10 million dollars. Sure, the guy he backs up, Philip Rivers, makes exponentially more money, but look at the shit he has to deal with. A patchwork offensive line. Six years of Norv Turner. The stigma of being a loser and a whiner. Charlie Whitehurst has anonymity and a stacked bank account. He can walk the streets, go out drinking and bang girls in his beachfront property. Who wouldn't want that life?

Backup quarterbacks can also be immensely popular. In the bleak and pathetic Ryan Leaf era, the Chargers had a quarterback on the roster named Craig Whelihan. As Ryan Leaf suffered through arguably the worst season any quarterback has ever had. The fans were growing restless. His backup, was Whelihan. Wheihan was taken in the 6th round by the Chargers in the 1995 NFL Draft. He went to Pacific, a university that dropped their football program shortly after he left. As Leaf continued to throw interceptions and miss receivers, the fans clamored for Craig to get his shot. He eventually did. And he sucked.

Whelihan threw 14 TD's and 29 INT's in his career. He also played in the XFL and the Arena League. If the Chargers would have left him on the bench, he could have collected that handsome backup QB money. Actually playing in the NFL could have screwed him out of millions. Perhaps he should sue the Chargers?

If I ever have a son of my own, I will point him the world of backup QB's. It is a glamorous life, full of money, women and possibly cocaine. Why fuck all of that up by actually playing? Stay on the sidelines where it is safe and warm.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Offseason Plan For The San Diego Padres: Part 2 -- 40-man roster

Last week, I took a look at the payroll flexibility that the Padres would have to pursue upgrades for the 2014 season. Today, I want to dive in to the 40-man roster decisions. Part 3 will deal with prospects the Padres will protect in the Rule V draft.

As of now, the Padres 40-man roster is completely full. After reinstating injured players such as Yasmani Grandal, Cory Luebke and Casey Kelly, the team will need to move a few players off the roster to protect prospects who could be snagged in the Rule V draft. Last year, the Padres lost first baseman Nate Freiman, who was selected by Houston. He finished the year with Oakland. Let's take a deeper look into the Padres 40-man roster situation.

Locks to be included on the 40-man roster: Andrew Cashner, Robbie Erlin, Luke Gregerson, Casey Kelly, Ian Kennedy, Cory Luebke, Tyson Ross, Burch Smith, Huston Street, Eric Stults, Dale Thayer, Nick Vincent, Joe Wieland, Yasmani Grandal, Nick Hundley, Yonder Alonso, Everth Cabrera, Jedd Gyorko, Logan Forsythe, Chase Headley, Tommy Medica, Carlos Quentin, Will Venable, Chris Denorfia, Rymer Liriano, Cameron Maybin, Reymond Fuentes, Alexi Amarista.

By my estimation, the Padres have 28 players that will not be moved off of the roster. Some are prospects, while others are key pieces to the Padres core. That leaves 12 players who I consider to be on the 40-man bubble.

Players who could be moved off of the 40-man: Anthony Bass, Brad Brach, Miles Mikolas, Kyle Blanks, Jesus Guzman, Jaff Decker, Yeison Asencio, Rene Rivera, Brad Boxberger, Adys Portillo, Tim Stauffer.

Predictions on bubble players:

Anthony Bass: Bass was pretty awful in 2012, posting a 5.36 ERA in 24 games out of the pen. Bass showed a lot of promise as a starter in 2011 and is still young and cost controlled. Prediction: Padres keep him.

Brad Boxberger: When the Padres acquired him as part of the Mat Latos deal, he was hailed as the Padres future closer. He hasn't been too impressive, as he walks far too many hitters(5.3 per 9 innings). However, he does miss bats and is still only 25. Prediction: Padres keep him.

Brad Brach: I really thought Brach was gonna be an important cog in the Padres bullpen. Instead, he was miserable for the Padres, as he posted a WHIP of 1.77. He still can miss bats(averaged a strikeout an inning) but he allowed opposing hitters to hit nearly .300 off him. Prediction: Padres keep him. 

Miles Mikolas: Mikolas only appeared in 2 games for the Padres in 2013. He put up decent numbers for AAA Tucson. However, he seems expendable. Prediction: Padres DFA Mikolas.

Kyle Blanks: Blanks is set to be arbitration-eligible this winter. He probably won't command more than $1 million. He showed flashes of brilliance, however injuries continue to plague Kyle. He seems expendable to me, as he could be a good fit in Tampa. Prediction: Padres trade Blanks. 

Jesus Guzman: Guzman is eligible for arbitration for the first time. He has regressed each year, since a robust rookie campaign. He has value as a bench bat, so I fully expect Guzman to be around in 2014. Prediction: Padres keep Guzman. 

Jaff Decker: Decker has always been a top prospect for the Padres. Prior to the 2010 season, he cracked Baseball America's Top 100 list. He had a decent year for AAA Tucson, but failed to impress in a short stint with the big club. With a 40-man crunch, I can see the Padres removing him from the 40-man, in hopes he clears waivers. Prediction: DFA'ed, clears waivers. 

Yeison Asencio: The Padres added Asencio to the 40-man after he won a batting title with Fort Wayne in 2012. In 2013, he posted a mediocre slash-line of .277/.307/.401, with A+ Lake Elsinore and AA San Antonio. He will be 24 when the season starts. His lack of power makes him expendable. Prediction: DFA'ed. 

Rene Rivera: Rivera did a nice job for the Padres, as a backup to Nick Hundley, after Yasmani Grandal went down with a season-ending knee injury. Rivera didn't hit much, but he seemed to handle the pitching staff well. He deserves a shot to stick around. Prediction: Padres keep him on the 40-man roster. 

Adys Portillo: Portillo is the recipient of one of the biggest bonuses the Padres have handed out to an amateur ($2 million in 2008). He had an injury-plagued season in 2013, starting just 3 games for Fort Wayne. He has promise, but has struggled with control. He will probably hang around. Prediction: Padres keep him on the 40-man roster. 

Tim Stauffer: I have always been a big Stauffer guy. He has overcome some serious adversity in his career and 2013 was no exception. Just two years ago, he was starting for the Padres on Opening Day. In 2013, he found himself in AAA, attempting to restart his career. He did a nice job in 2013 for the Padres as a swingman. The Padres will tender Stauffer a contract for 2014. Prediction: Padres keep Stauffer on the 40-man roster. 

My predictions have cleared 3 spots on the 40-man roster, so the Padres would have some decisions to make, in terms of what prospects to protect. I will go in depth in Part 3 of the Offseason Plan for the San Diego Padres

Monday, November 4, 2013

Offseason Plan For The San Diego Padres (Part 1)

The Padres suffered through another subpar season in 2013, posting a 76-86 record. The Padres finished the 2012 season with an identical record, so you cannot say the Padres are not consistent. Business as usual will not move the Padres into the upper echelon of the National League, so the Padres will need to make some smart moves to contend in 2014.

The Padres ownership indicated that the Padres will have a payroll in the $80 million range, which would be a franchise record. However, the payroll would still be towards the bottom in baseball and the Padres do not figure to have a whole lot of flexibility.

Padres committed money in 2014(contract info courtesy of Cot's Contracts)

Carlos Quentin: $9 million
Huston Street: $7 million
Cameron Maybin: $5 million
Will Venable: $4.25 million
Nick Hundley: $4 million
Cory Luebke: $3 million
Chris Denorfia: $2.25 million

Total committed dollars: $34.5 million(estimate)

The Padres have $34.5 million committed to seven players. Carlos Quentin is a star, if healthy, which is never. He has a full no-trade clause and the Padres might be wise to see if he will waive it. Quentin is probably better suited to DH at this point in his career. Cameron Maybin's contract starts to get ugly from here: he is owed $7 million in 2015 and $8 million in 2016. The Padres desperately need him to be healthy and productive. 

Padres arbitration eligible players(numbers estimated by MLB Trade Rumors

Chase Headley: $10 million
Ian Kennedy: $5.8 million
Luke Gregerson: $4.9 million 
Eric Stults: $3 million
Andrew Cashner: $2.4 million
Everth Cabrera: $2.2 million
Tyson Ross: $1.3 million
Jesus Guzman: $1.3 million
Tim Stauffer: $1.2 million
Kyle Blanks: $1 million

Total projected dollars: $33.1 million(estimate)

The Padres have a pretty pricey arbitration class, headlined by 3B Chase Headley. The Padres have explored deals for Headley over the past few seasons, but reports say that they are not inclined to move him. Instead, the team could explore an extension. Ian Kennedy came over in a trade with Arizona last July and figures to be featured near the top of the Padres rotation. The Padres would be wise to explore an extension with Andrew Cashner, as he could become very expensive over the next few years. The Padres probably saved a little money, thanks to Cabrera's suspension. Jesus Guzman and Kyle Blanks could be non-tendered, although I think they will be brought back. A trade involving Blanks or Guzman makes sense. 

When you take a look at the dollars, the Padres should have about $12-15 million to spend on payroll. That will not buy a top-tier free agent, but the Padres should be able to acquire a few players who can help.

Team needs: Power hitter(OF or 1B, SP, RP(left-handed).

The Padres are looking for some pop and Josh Byrnes is looking for a left-handed stick. The Padres have been linked to Mark Trumbo(who is right-handed) and there are a few free agents who fit the bill as a left-handed slugger. Personally, I feel the Padres could use another veteran starting pitcher. Finally, the Padres want a left-handed reliever to take the place of Joe Thatcher. 

Potential fits(free agency)

SP Phil Hughes: Philip Hughes is a guy that has always intrigued me. A former top prospect, Hughes has shown flashes of brilliance, but has mostly been mediocre. He is only 27 and hails from Orange County. His fly ball tendencies would play better in Petco Park. A one-year, $6-9 million deal would benefit both parties. 

SP: Josh Johnson: Johnson will be 30 when the season starts and might be out of the Padres price range, even coming off of an injury-riddled season. He went 2-8, with a 6.20 ERA in 16 starts for the Blue Jays in '13. He won the NL ERA title in 2010 and has front-of-the-rotation stuff, when healthy. He might consider San Diego on a one-year deal to rebuild value. 

OF David Murphy: Murphy reminds me a lot of Chris Denorfia. He is best suited for a platoon, but has been a solid offensive player in his career. He struggled in 2013, but slugged .479 in 2012. In my opinion, he is not an ideal fit, since he is essentially a 4th OF. 

OF Jason Kubel: Kubel drilled 30 homers in 2012 with Arizona, but struggled in 2013. He could be a cheap, bounce-back candidate that should not cost more than a few million. 

In the next session, I will explore potential trades that could work for the Padres, in addition to what the Padres will do with their 40-man roster. 

Friday, October 11, 2013

The Carl Chronicles: No, I Have Never Fucked Uncle Phil

This is the first in a regular segment, where Carl Winslow, star of the 90's sitcom "Family Matters" gives his take on a variety of subjects and insight into being a TV dad.

Hello. My name is Carl Winslow and I am using Kevin's blog as a means to tell you guys what has been going since the show ended. I will get to all that in the future, however, I wanted to clear up some nasty rumors that have dogged me since the 1990's.

This shit starts back with 'The Cosby Show.' Bill Cosby made it socially acceptable for a black family to have a hit show on network prime-time. Sure, they were a pretty white-collar family, but hey, at least they weren't all blond and pretty.

In the 90's, two of the most iconic sitcoms were my show and of course, "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." There were many similarities between the two shows. Both featured annoying, fictional black dudes(Steve Urkel and Will Smith), both families had three kids and both shows had two sexy, fat black man at the helm.

Naturally, the gay rumors began to swirl. Since we are both black, heavy and famous, it also means we like to butt-cuddle. No sir, but we may have crossed swords at one time.

Back in 1976, we went to a party at George Jefferson's crib. We were both young and ready to party. Fried chicken, hennessy and all kinds of cocaine filled the room. George had a bitch on each knee, Wezzy was sucking dicks to an amused sea of faces. Shit was fucked.

Anyway, Harriet and I had only been married a few years and Phil and Viv just tied the knot as well. As a newly appointed police officer, I had thoughts of shutting the party down. I expressed my concern to Phil and he responded with a freshly cut line of coke. Fuck it, I did my line and things went to a whole new level.

30 minutes later, I found myself in a room with Vivian and Philip Banks. Harriet passed out(she's a lightweight) and he came at me with a wild idea: Let's give Vivian the double stuff.

At first, even in my state of supreme inebriation, I knew that it was wrong. I mean, so many things could go wrong: Harriet could get pissed, Phil might kill me when he realizes I am about 4 inches bigger and can eat pussy like no one's business(all those years eating Oreo's). But the urge to get some strange took over and I took the mouth, while Phil manned the snatch.

The tryst lasted 20 minutes or so. I fought very hard to avoid eye contact with Phil, but he kept asking me to touch his beard. Creepy. It ended when he both covered Viv in our juices. We never spoke of that night again.

So you can see: I may have participated in a gangbang with Uncle Phil, but I never sucked his dick.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Thoughts From Week 1 Of The NFL: Early Games

I am so excited! The NFL is back and I no longer have to work Sunday's! I made the small investment of $40(totally worth it by the way) and purchased NFL Redzone. A ton of exciting games with great finishes. Here are some of my thoughts:

Patriots 23, Bills 21: Who would have thought that Tom Brady would miss Rob Gronkowski, Aaron Hernandez and Wes Welker. Brady only completed 56% of his passes and had a critical fumble at the one-yard line, with the Pats going in. Still, Brady orchestrated a winning drive that setup a winning field goal. E.J. Manuel looks solid for the Bills.

Titans 16, Steelers 9: It took Pittsburgh nearly 58 minutes for Pittsburgh's offense to score. They also lost center Maurkice Pouncey. Jake Locker didn't turn the ball over, at least.

Saints 23, Falcons 17: One of the best games of the day. Both quarterbacks looked sharp. The Falcons had a chance to win the game in the end but Matt Ryan was intercepted at the goal-line. Both teams looked poised for playoff runs, however.

Jets 18, Buccaneers 17: Weird game. The Bucs drove for a late field goal, only to have the Jets come back with a Nick Folk field goal in the final seconds. The Jets were gifted 15 yards, on a bonehead play, when he hit Jets QB Geno Smith, while he was running out of bounds. Smith looked pretty solid for the Jets.

Chiefs 28, Jaguars 2: Hey, at least the Jags are closer to Jadeveon Clowney or Teddy Bridgewater. Alex Smith had 3 TD's in his Chiefs debut.

Seahawks 12, Panthers 7: The Seahawks defense is tremendous. They shut down Cam Newton, allowing just 125 passing yards. Russell Wilson threw a TD pass in the 4th quarter to give Seattle the win. The Seahawks continue to show a knack for winning close games.

Dolphins 23, Browns 10: When 70-year old quarterback throws the ball 53 times, you probably won't win. Trent Richardson only carried the ball 13 times, causing many fantasy owners to curse new Browns offensive coordinator Norv Turner. Ryan Tannehill looked solid for the 'Fins. The Dolphins new uniforms are pretty dope, am I right?

Lions 34, Vikings 24: Adrian Peterson broke off a 78-yard touchdown on his first carry of the season -- then was subsequently shut down. He finished with 93 yards on 18 carries(15 yards on 17 carries, aside from his first one). Reggie Bush is an absolute perfect fit in Detroit, as he accounted for nearly 200 yards of offense.

Colts 21, Raiders 17: The Colts won the game, but Terrelle Pryor was special. Ran for over 100 yards and looked good in the pocket. The Raiders may have found something. Andrew Luck led a game-winning drive in the final moments.

Bears 24, Bengals 21: The Bengals blew a 10-point lead, as the Bears won in Marc Trestman's debut as coach. Brandon Marshall scored the winning TD midway through the fourth quarter.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Ian Stewart Suspended Indefinitely By Cubs

Ian Stewart, a one-time prospect with the Colorado Rockies, was suspended indefinitely for comments he made, criticizing the Chicago Cubs.

Stewart, who made the inflammatory statements via Twitter, has since apologized. However, the damage is already done and Stewart could be forced to forfeit a partial amount of his $2 million salary.

Stewart seems like a pretty interesting guy, although he is obviously not the brightest crayon in the box. He often engages fans in conversation and does respond to the constant trolls. He tweets about pro wrestling more than a grown man should, but is guilty of venting his professional and personal frustrations via social networking.

Stewart, who is still just 28, has dealt with a wrist injury that has hampered him the last few seasons. He hit 25 homers in 2009, with the Rockies, but has not been able to replicate that success since.

The Cubs exiled Stewart to AAA Iowa and he has not hit much since his demotion. Stewart is just a frustrated guy who probably should have deleted his Twitter account a few days ago. It could have saved himself an embarrassing situation.

I had a bit of a run-in with Stewart, via Twitter. I jokingly asked him what Cubs player 'has the biggest dong?' He responded with the 'are you gay' question. The hilarity of that incident can be read here.

The incident also makes the Cubs look kind of petty. The guy is clearly venting out of frustration. He is seeing his dream slowly die and he responded to a question with an honest answer. This is partially the reason athletes speak in cliches. Interesting to see what the fallout will be.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

One Year Later...

Jesus, time flies sometime. I suppose it happens when we get older. For instance, my best friend and I were reminiscing about an amazing concert we attended. We were both stunned when he realized it was more than eight years ago. Kind of makes you feel old.

I am far from old, at the age of 28. However, I feel like I am just becoming a real adult. Graduating college, working a job that does not require me to wear a paper hat or a name tag. I suppose it has taken me longer to mature than many people in my age demographic. At least I got there eventually, right?

It is also dawned on me that a traumatic, yet life-altering experience(for the better) took place a year ago. The end of an almost four-year relationship. I suppose it was when I decided to make changes and try and become a better person. I have never really gone into the exact details publicly, but hopefully it can help someone realize that fucked up things happen, but you cannot let destroy you, nor can you let the actions of certain individuals allow you to alter your self-worth and self-perception.

At the time, the break-up was pretty sudden, but in retrospect there were definitely cracks in the foundation.  I remember one day, about two weeks before the relationship ended. She seemed pretty distant and a little depressed. I asked her what was going on, as I knew something was amiss. I tried prying into her head, to see if I could get some information. After ten minutes, I stopped and gave her the benefit of the doubt when she said that everything was fine. Clearly, it wasn't.

After three years of dating, I got a good job, which would allow me to leave behind my low-paying retail job and start putting the pieces together of building a life together. She declined possibly moving in together, because she wanted to save money to buy a car.

A few small cracks, but something that made question things for a minute. I shook it off and really didn't give it too much thought. Everything else seemed fine, so I did not devote a lot of time to such things. I worked, I went to school and life went on.

Right before we broke up, we had a fight. It essentially started with me not being on time picking her up for work, as she was often ran 30-45 minutes late when trying to leave work. The perils of dating a girl without a car. I got annoyed and told her that she was wasting my time and if she was gonna run late, she should have the decency to let me know, so I don't bake myself in 90 degree heat, waiting for her in my car.

The next day, I didn't show up on time and naturally she got off on-time. As she texted me, I told her I was on my way. She told me not to bother, that she would have someone else get her. After a fight later that night, he went two days without contact, as we are both stubborn people. That Saturday, we agreed to meet up and resolve the issues.

We went to a park in close proximity to her house. I knew things were bad because she kept her distance. Typically, even when annoyed with me, she walked close to me -- she kept her distance here. It made me think of all the things I studied about proxemics in Interpersonal Communication. Generally, we all have distances that we keep with individuals when talking, socializing and the like. Typically romantic partners stay in the 'intimate zone' with means they walk right next to us(usually 36 inches or less) which is normally what she did. Here, she was at least 10 feet from me. When we sat down at a group of benches, she sat a different bench. Oh, boy.

We talked and things seemed pretty good, fixed perhaps. When we walked back to the car, all hell broke loose. The conversation turned into a flat-out character assassination. I felt like a boxer, just being overwhelmed with punches. I couldn't get my hands up fast enough to defend myself -- I was being crushed.

Some of the things I was told: "I would rather not be around you most of the time. We have grown apart, I no longer want you in my life. I will always care about you, but you don't have a place in my life. I wish you no harm." There was also the cliche : "It's not you, it's me" and "we have grown apart."

I sat there, in my car stunned. I mean, with some of the shit that comes out of my mouth, nothing really surprises, shocks or offends me. I have been dumped and rejected any times before, but when the person you were with reduces you to a pile of shit, it hurts.

I am typically not one to raise my voice or get angry, but I was livid. Not so much for getting dumped, but for the way it was done. She was callous, cold, almost not human. I punched the steering wheel in my cars, screamed at her, then stared off into space for a good ten minutes. She looked startled, as if I was going to hit her or something. I would never. In that span of time, I saw a plethora of visions.

I thought of all the good times we had -- our first date, holidays together, laughs we shared, essentially all of the things we experienced together. I then envisioned the house, marriage, kids and other things that would never come to fruition. It was over. It was not meant to be.

I drove her home in silence, not sure of what to think or say. I had a lump the size of an apple in my throat, an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I was feeling sadness, anger, disbelief. Did I do something to make everything come apart at the seams? Who knows?

When we arrived at her house, she said bye and walked away -- I have not seen her since. There was no tearful goodbye, no hug. Nothing. No emotion on her part. I fought back tears -- it hurt like hell. I backed out of her driveway and drove home. A very long 15 minute excursion. Out of habit, I texted her I was home safe. Naturally, the text was never responded to.

There was not a lot of contact after that. We had an angry text conversation about 2 weeks later. After that, nothing. I tried to let it go. Tried to walk away. I found out 2 weeks later(through mutual friends and hacking her Facebook) that she already was dating someone and has pretty much been in a relationship since.

That was difficult to handle. I mean, almost four years and it seemed like the relationship meant nothing. I mean, when I got out of my car after we broke up, Facebook informed me that she was now single. Gotta love modern technology.

I extended a few olive branches, since were friends before we even dated. Her birthday was in January and I shot her a 'Happy Birthday' text for some reason. Naturally, it was never returned. It probably wasn't given a second thought. At that point, I deleted my number completely out of my phone. I suppose it was the final straw, time to just move on.

My point of writing this is not to put her on blast, or make me look good. The point is that you positive things can happen in a bad situation. I took the opportunity to finally start to fight against the anxiety and depression I have faced most of my life. I have dated a bit -- made a few new friends. I got a promotion, graduated from college. All very positive things. My life is going in a good direction.

Yes, the break-up can still be difficult for me at times. I mean, it was a huge, devastating blow to my ego. A blow that I may never completely forget. Instead, I have chosen to remember her in a positive light. We had a lot of good times and our time is over. We may never see each other or cross paths and that is okay. She has her life, I have mine. I am pretty sure we will never forget each other and I hope, at least, that she thinks of our time in a positive light. Things change, people come and go, but we are always stuck with ourselves.

The ending of the relationship showed me that I need to take care of myself, first and foremost. Like I said before "The Destruction of Everything is the Beginning of Something New." One journey ended and I am on another. I feel good about myself and my future.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Casting a New Captain Planet Movie

People love superheroes these days. The Avengers was one of the most successful movies in the history of cinema, grossing over $600 million last summer. The Iron Man, Batman and X-Men franchises have all been wildly successful. Bottom line: People cannot get enough of fictional characters in bad costumes. However, the box office is lacking the appearance of my all-time superhero: Captain Planet.

Who is Captain Planet? Well, my friend, let me tell you a story. Captain Planet was a cartoon in the early 90's about a green-haired, mullet-sporting hippie who saved the world from pollution, smog, used condoms and those plastic things that a six-pack of soda comes in. He was summoned when 5 queers put their rings together and he popped out, kind of like a genie and saved the day. His weaknesses include garbage, whale semen, Pabst Blue Ribbon and David Spade sitcoms(the worst pollution known to man). I am not sure why, but the show captivated me as a child.

Then you had the Planeteers. They were five kids from across the globe. There was Kwame, who was from Africa, Wheeler who was straight out of Brooklyn, Linka who was from Russia, Gi who was from China and Ma-ti who was from the Amazon, or some shit. They traveled around, mushroomed-stamped those bastards who can't separate paper from plastic and whatnot. There was one episode when they tried to stop a villain from killing elephant's for their tusks. In short, the Planeteers were pretty annoying.

However, it was entertaining. I think I learned some lessons from the story. I used to get all the toys that came with the fruity rings they used on the show. I had the 'water' ring that summoned the power of water. My older sister was running her mouth, so I pointed the water ring at the sink, then turned on the water and splashed her in the face. Captain Planet, bitch!

Anyway, it is high time that a Captain Planet film is made. I was thinking about some choices that would make me want to get out and see this blockbuster. Here are some ideas:

Tom Cruise as Captain Planet: A fruity, weird, self-righteous superhero with a green mullet? This is the role Tom Cruise was born to play. They will need to use a little CGI, as Cruise is like 4'10, but he would be a perfect choice. Cruise needs a hit in the worst way and a Captain Planet trilogy is the best way for him to start.

Tyler, the Creator as Kwame: I need a young black guy for this role and Jaleel White is too old and not beefy enough. Tyler is a controversial ass rapper or something, but the kids like him for some reason, so he gets the role here. If Don Cheadle wore makeup, he would be an option here as well.

Rupert Grint as Wheeler: The little ginger from the 'Harry Potter' movies is an obvious choice here. Jesse Eisenberg would work too, but he is probably above starting in this shit at this point. Grint will need to fake an American accent to pull it off.

Aaron Yoo as Gi: Yes, I am aware that Yoo is a dude, but I cannot think of any Asian bitches. I am pretty sure Yoo could pull it off, I mean look at that pic. Take away the pink lipstick and it looks like a dude to me.

Jennifer Lawrence as Linka: I love Jennifer Lawrence. I would marry her, right now, on the spot. I don't care if she is the biggest bitch on the face of the Earth. Naturally, she is a good fit here. Plus Lawrence with a Russian accent? Can you say bonertime? Boing.

That Indian motherfucker from 'Slumdog Millionaire' as Ma-ti: I don't know that guy's name from Slumdog, but he is brown, so he gets the part.

In terms of a script, Hoggish Greedly, a pig-like villain wants to turn trash into an army of cyborg's that plan to make everything look and smell just like Mexico City. There is no hope. Until, a gang of five queers will stop at nothing to save the world. Together they summon Captain Planet, a possibly homosexual crime fighter who hates trash. Coming to theaters in the summer of 2015.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Jose Canseco Is A Colossal Piece of Shit

Jose Canseco is a horrible person. He is ignorant, narcissistic,delusional and psychotic. He is the has-been who charges hundreds of dollars for autographs and challenges other washed-up celebrities to fights. He has not played Major League Baseball in 12 years, yet still claims he can hit 40 homers. Sure, buddy.

Jose Canseco also has a verified Twitter account -- one that boasts over 500,000 followers. What can I say:  people like train wrecks. I was one of those followers until Jose blocked me, after I called him a cunt for posting his ex-girlfriend's address on Twitter.

Canseco has been busy these days -- he plays for the Fort Worth Cats, an independent baseball team that plays in something called the United Baseball League. I am sure the dopes who own the team think that the poster-boy for cheaters might put a few more butts in the seats. To his credit, Canseco has found steady work in independent league baseball for years. He won't give it up, because, well what else is he going to? Box? Star in reality shows? Nope, playing baseball against sub-standard talent is all he has left.

In the latest Canseco news, he has been questioned in a sexual assault case in Las Vegas, where Canseco currently resides. The news was made public when Canseco took to Twitter to announce the information himself. It was not leaked by the media, nor the police, but Canseco made an announcement under his own volition. If you were being investigated for sexual assault, would you feel compelled to announce it to the world?

To make matters worse, Canseco posted the name of the alleged victim and challenged her to take a polygraph test. Canseco has yet to be arrested or charged for any crime. Could it be possible that Canseco  made up the whole thing for attention? Who knows?

Canseco did an interview with 105.3 The Fan, based out of Dallas. When the hosts asked Canseco about the sexual assault, he hung up.(The interview can be heard here). Later, Canseco's agent explained that Canseco did not want to talk about the case. Okay, dude, you can share it with the world via Twitter, but cannot answer the question in a radio interview? Sure, makes a lot of sense.

For what is worth, I predicted that Canseco would end up incarcerated at some point. He has some weird obsession with an ex. He has even posted her contact information several times via Twitter My followers and I predicted a murder-suicide was inevitable. An accusation of sexual assault comes as no surprise to me. I hope the charges are false and no woman was exposed to his minuscule genitals against her own free will.

Canseco is a vile, delusional creature. Jose claims he can still mash, but hit a robust .194 in 2012 for the Worcester Tornadoes, who play in something called the Canadian-American Association. He has played in Yuma, Arizona and Laredo, Texas in recent years. The fact that Canseco thinks he can still play professional baseball is quite laughable.

Hopefully Canseco just goes away soon -- the freakshow is losing its luster.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Is This Progress?

As I have documented here, I am still battling Social Anxiety Disorder, as well as mild depression. I got off of the wagon with treatments and medication, but I feel like I am focused and I plan on kicking my issues square in the balls.

One of the things that my therapist recommended, was to attend a class that essentially taught students methods on combating their issues. So far, I am not sure if the class is really going to benefit me, but will continue through it with an open mind.

For one thing, I am the youngest person in the class by at least 15 years. 75% of the people are probably in their 60's. These people are dealing with some pretty severe issues -- one that makes my phobia of socializing seem pretty trivial. One poor older lady is having suicidal thoughts over the loss of her husband. Another has not been able to find work for months. One lady is dealing with a marriage that crumbled over her husband's love of violence towards her and her children. My problems really do not matter, at least compared to them.

In the class, the therapist asked me one of the problems that I was looking to fix. I told him that about my lack of self-confidence and how I am perceived of others. Like many others who suffer from my issue, I actually have a high regard for myself. I think I am awesome, however, for some strange reason I feel as if others will only point fingers at me.

One of the things that I am trying to do, is to find and meet people dealing with the same type of anxiety and phobia's that I am. My doctor suggested that I try Meetup, which is a site that forms groups base upon common interests. There are a few for social anxiety, so it might be beneficial to swap stories and potentially forge new friendships. Over the last year, I learned that one cannot bitch about their predicament if they do nothing to change it. I am determined to become a happier, more well-rounded person. I am also determined to show the world what a unique and great person I am. So here I go...

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Titus Young Might Be The Dumbest Man Alive

If you have not been following all of the drama surrounding former Lions WR Titus Young, then you are missing out on a sad, but funny story.

Young, who is still just 23, was a second round pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. He attended Boise State and looked at one time like he might be an excellent compliment to Calvin Johnson. But alas, the stupidity of Titus Young took over and he will never sniff the NFL again.

Young has been arrested three times...this week. No, I am not making that up. Young has achieved feats in stupidity and crime that most of us could never accomplish.

Earlier this week, Young was busted for DUI. While a DUI is one of the crimes I loath the most, his subsequent arrests really hit the funny button.

You see, because of the DUI, Young had his car impounded, which is a pretty normal procedure when you get busted for driving with a belly fully of Fireball and Hennessy. Young was then arrested a few days later, when he try to steal his own car from the impound lot. According to Pro Football Talk, Young was spotted on security cameras attempting to scale a fence.

Then, just last night, Young was arrested in San Clemente, California(a beautiful place by the way) for burglary, assault on a police officer and resisting arrest. The incident was reported when a woman phoned the authorities found Young outside of her home. A "brief" police pursuit ensued and Young ultimately ended up in handcuffs.

Young, has destroyed a career and pissed away opportunities must of us would kill for. While with the Lions, he once lined up on the wrong side of the field in protest and punched a teammate. The dude is obviously an idiot and a low-life.

Perhaps the biggest reason he was cut was not for the off-field transgressions, but for his obvious lack of talent. I mean, the guy could not even outrun the police. Young is supposed to be a world-class athlete, but he could not outrun the flabby belly of the law. Come on son, step up your game. You're fucked, buddy!

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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Tim Lambesis Did WHAT???

What. The. Fuck?

That was my initial reaction when I heard that As I Lay Dying vocalist Tim Lambesis was arrested yesterday, on a charge that he allegedly hired a hitman to kill his ex-wife. Oh, that so-called "hitman" was an undercover cop.

According to the various reports, the police have been on the trail of Lambesis' murderous endeavor for quite awhile. In a report, the police say that they prevented a "great tragedy." Wow.

As I Lay Dying has been one of the most influential metal bands of the 2000's. They were nominated for a Grammy in 2007, for Best Metal Performance, for the song "Nothing Left." They have had three albums debut in the Top 15 on the Billboard charts and have played at some of the largest festivals in the world. The band formed in my hometown of San Diego, California.

As I Lay Dying is known as a Christian heavy metal band, as they write lyrics that are based upon their religious beliefs and their struggles within. The evidence certainly looks bad at the present time and I have tried to approach the situation from multiple angles.

First, is Lambesis that stupid AND crazy? I have no idea on the methods of hiring a contract killer. I mean, I do not think that you can find someone to whack your wife on Craig's List. Do you ask around? Just look for the craziest motherfucker you can find? How many people did he solicit before stumbling on an undercover cop? Pretty sloppy, Mr. Lambesis.

Next, how did the cops know what Lambesis was up to? Did he make threats against his ex-wife that led her to report her trepidation to the police? Did someone that Lambesis confide in go to the cops? Someone had to rat in this situation for the cops do know about the situation.

Then we get to motives. Lambesis is a pretty wealthy dude. According to Celebrity Net Worth, Lambesis has a net worth of $14 million. He owns a home in Del Mar, a very affluent suburb of San Diego. A divorce would wipe out half of his net worth. Money will make people do fucked up things.

Perhaps she was a crazy bitch. Maybe she had affairs with all kinds of guys while As I Lay Dying was out on tour. Maybe she was a gold digger, who hoped to get a piece of all the work and sacrifice Tim put in to make it as a musician. It is nearly impossible to make a living making extreme music, but As I Lay Dying defied the odds.

Ultimately, Lambesis' wife is the victim here. No one deserves to have their life ended by murder. If Lambesis did in fact, solicit the murder, he deserves the harshest penalty possible. Man, my head is still spinning.

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Anatomy Of An Unfollow

Twitter is one of my guilty pleasures and I would say that I am slightly addicted to it. It is an easy way to get instant updates of what is going on in the world. During a big sporting event fans and media types will send out their thoughts of the events that transpired. It truly is an amazing invention.

I started a Twitter account as a means to promote some of my blogs, but it has turned into a lot for me. I have formed friendships, gotten interviews with professional athletes and I have connected with readers of my writing. Sure, I may never make a living writing, but my blogs have given people all over the world a reason to chuckle. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

Twitter is just as fun as a way to socialize. The use of hashtags and topics allows users to connect with people who share similar interests. All one has to do is hit follow and all of that persons thoughts and statements appear on your computer screen. You can "mention" them and interact within an instant. It is like some weird, creepy bond when two people mutually follow each other. Oh, but the euphoria isn't always as it seems. Sometimes the other person decides to unfollow, which makes one feel as if their world has just crumbled.

Since I started on Twitter, I have amassed close to 700 followers, which isn't that many, considering other bloggers like myself have thousands. I would venture to say that 300-400 others have unfollowed me for some reason or another. Generally, I follow back anyone that follows me first. I hope, in part, that it is another eyeball to view this blog.

Whenever I am unfollowed, I will admit is a bit of a blow to the ego. Essentially, a person is telling you "You aren't worth my time, I am going to stop stalking you." For me, it takes someone to be annoying to no end - I usually rarely unfollow. However, it got me to thinking: Why do people on Twitter unfollow one another?

In my case, I am assuming it is my vulgarity. I tweet about a variety of disgusting and offensive topics such as: peeing in the sink, hairy balls, my asshole, shitting, farting, 80's sitcoms and boobs among others. I think I am a pretty funny guy and I am entertaining.

However, people unfollow each other daily. Connections are broken and timelines are emptied. I have often wondered what goes through the heads of people when they hit that unfollow button. I took to Twitter to ask  some of the fine folks. Here are some of the answers I got.:

@MeganJ_28: "anyone who is an extremist on war, gays, guns, politics etc on either side of the spectrum. Don't preach to me"

@AmyLou942: "unwanted cock pics" (mine weren't unwanted)

@saucywhite: "when chicks turn down my sexual advances."

@HFSPodcast: "Filling my timeline with drivel is grounds for an unfollow."

Interesting stuff. Essentially, I have been offending or annoying people over the last few years. I have been blocked by countless people as well. Twitter is an interesting site, with all types of weirdos.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Hit and Quit: Part 2

As the text conversation continued, a myriad of thoughts popped into my mind. First, I thought I was being pretty stupid and potentially a little gay. An attractive woman is essentially begging for my penis and I am telling her no. Most guys would jump at the chance to get laid, but I was looking at the bigger picture. This girl had relationship potential; not saying she was the one or anything dumb like that, but I really wanted to get to know her more. Having sex too early would ruin that.

Second, I should just drill her. My penis took over the thinking and Horace(what I call my dick) gave his two  cents: "Dude, you haven't smashed a girl in months. Who the fuck do you think you are? You think vagina grows on trees? Trust me, it doesn't. Go over, lets smash her and we can still catch the second episode of 'Seinfeld.' Oh, and we can get donuts on the way home. I wanna go swimming, Kevin.

As I weighted my self-talk, in addition to the babbling of Horace, the text I received made it near impossible to resist: "Dude, I really like you. It is pretty obvious we have chemistry. Sexual chemistry is a big part of any relationship. We might as well fuck and see if we have that chemistry."

This girl was making sense. I was walking that fine line between sweet, chivalrous gentleman and homosexual queer. I had to bang her for awkward men like me everywhere. Go over, have some sex and embrace life a bit.

When you haven't been laid in months, naturally, you don't have any condoms. This broad didn't either. I had to make a stop. My buddy works at a grocery store and I popped in for a new party outfit for Horace. I grabbed the first pack of magnum-size they had(just kidding) and ran to the checkstand. My buddy saw me and I immediately went in for a high-five. He laughed and gave me a celebratory fist-bump. The night was mine.

I cruised over, blasting Bleeding Through to get me pumped. I got to her door and the party was ready to get started. She was pretty hammered, as evidenced by several empty beer bottles scattered on the tables. There were toys everywhere too -- she was a divorced, single mom(the kid was obviously not around).

My first inclination at this point was to back off; she was drunk and I didn't want to take advantage of her. After asking her three times if she still wanted to, she grabbed me and took her into the bedroom. Things went down and it was a good night.

I drove home feeling damn good about myself. I got some ass and felt pretty good about meeting a cool girl. It was the first time since getting out of a three-year relationship that I felt good about a girl. I had gone on a few dates over the last 10 months, but not of the girls did anything for me. Were the other girls cool? Sure, but there just wasn't that romantic spark. I felt it here.

The next night we had plans to go on a date. Go out to dinner, typical date shit. The girl also begged me for the dick, so of course she was gonna get it. Date went well and she pulled all of the shit girls do when they like you. She grabbed me and held my hand. Touched my thigh as I drove. It was pretty nice and we definitely had some chemistry.

We went back to her place and she wanted me to spend the night. It seemed too quick, but after all the sexing, I passed out. I woke up the next morning and went to town on her again. Score one for morning sex. I left shortly after that. I never saw her again

Right now, you are probably thinking, "what the fuck?" Yo Kevin, this chick seemed into you, then you just bailed, never to talk to her again? Nah, let me break it down.

Like I mentioned earlier, I really, genuinely liked this girl. She also had a kid and stupid ass kids can ruin things. Later on that day, I texted her to set up plans for another date. Her response was that she really wanted to chill and that Wednesday would be great. Cool, I will make some plans and we will have a blast.

On Wednesday, she told me that her child-care situation fell through and our plans would have to be rearranged. I was pretty cool with it, since it seemed beyond her control. We could just do it another time. We rescheduled things for next week, when she had suitable child-care.

Later in the week, I texted her to set up another date. The response I got was priceless: heartbreaking, strange and actually a bit funny. Here is the text, verbatim: "Hey, :) So...ummm...youre gonna hate me but I think I have a boyfriend. Sudden, weird, someone from the past, I've got to see where it goes. I have no regrets tho, you're awesome. Seriously. If this shit doesn't work out...I have your number. Peace.

What the fuck? Let me say that once more: what the fuck? One day the chick is all over me, the next she is completely out of my life. Poof. All of this in a two-week span. So quick my head spun.

The text is just a passive-aggressive, mushroom-stamp to the face. It starts of nice with a "hey." I even get a smiley face. Smiley faces are meant to evoke happy things. Getting the shaft is not a happy emotion. Then, comes the barrage of cliches. "Someone from the past," "I gotta see where this goes." They are all there. The back-handed compliment of "you're awesome." Obviously not that cool, bitch.

The most fucked part was the last sentence. Essentially she tells me that if all else fails, she will drop me a line. Gee, thanks. I mean does she really think I am pathetic enough to allow her to be her backup? Her silver medal? Nah, I am better than that.

Honestly, if she approached the situation a little more tactfully, I would have wished her well. We went out a few times, had some fun and it got me fully established in the dating world. If she found someone who she felt was a better fit, then by all means, she should pursue it. I know I would. However, I would not slap her in the face like she did to me. Who does that?

So ends the shortest romantic misadventure of my life. All-in-all, the whole thing lasted about two weeks. I was basically used. Not a bad thing, I suppose. It is good to know the actual character of a person, before entering a serious relationship. I know that the girl is not for me and she is just another notch on my bedpost. Too bad, because she fucked up. Maybe she will realize that one day. I win.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Hit and Quit: Part 1

For those of you who do not follow me on Twitter, I regaled the world with a story of my most recent relationship. I wouldn't really even call it a relationship, but perhaps more of an interaction. Allow me to elaborate.

I met this girl named Amy(her real name, she will probably never read this, so I am using it) and everything seemed pretty cool. She was about my age, pretty cute and had a really good sense of humor. After my last girlfriend, it seemed pretty rad to not have to explain every joke I made.

The first night we hung out, we went to this bar/restaurant, where had beer and burgers. It was the "lets get a feel of the person" date -- essentially we were just trying to ensure that the other one was not a rapist or psycho. I cracked jokes and I was on point. I had her laughing until the beer flowed out of her nose. Humor makes girls mad wet and I felt that I was looking pretty good. She told me stories about her experiences -- I told her that I am a famous blogger on the Internet(somewhat true, but not really) and about my aspirations in  life. She seemed to be pretty into me and I was playing the game perfectly. As the check came, she even offered to pick it up and I ripped the check out of her hands and paid. Not really wise to let a girl pick up the tab, even when she offers. Power move.

After the dinner and drinks she asked if I wanted to go back to her place to watch "The Voice." This took me aback a little -- there hadn't really been any physical contact at this point, so I figured a fuck session just wasn't in the cards. My first instinct was to decline and play it cool. There is that old cliche that says "leave 'em wanting more." After debating it, I went over.

I did not make a move and nothing sexual happened. This girl was really cool and I figured if she fucked me on the first date, she probably has done it multiple times. I am not trying to date a whore. We hung out and actually watched "The Voice." We hugged and I left.

I could tell this chick was into me, because of the "Good Morning" texts I was receiving. It tells me that I made a good impression and I was on her mind. It seemed sweet and genuine. I was excited because a really great girl was into me. It felt pretty damn amazing. We made plans to go out Saturday night, probably to dinner and maybe grab a drink. Things were looking good for your boy.

Friday night came and I was chilling at the pad alone. Friday nights are not a big social night for me because I work Saturdays and I just don't have a lot of friends. I was enjoying a quiet evening of television when Amy hit me up. We starting talking, she mentioned that she had had a few. (A pattern for this girl). The conversation turned R-rated pretty quickly and she sent a message that every guy wants to hear: "You should come over and fuck me."

Whoa! I was floored. It was a kind of directness that I was not accustomed to. My first impact was to pick my jaw and tongue off of the floor and speed to her pad, potentially endangering any motorists that got in my way. The sensible, respectable part of my brain took over and I said it probably was not a good idea. As much shit as I talk, I think I am a gentleman. I liked and respected this girl and did not want to take advantage of an inebriated woman.

She rephrased her request and I respectfully declined again. I felt pretty good about my decision. In addition to showing respect, I was psychologically fucking her, by playing hard to get. I figured it would make a future sexual encounter more memorable, as by then, she would have much pent-up sexual aggression towards me. It felt like a chess match and I was in control.

Since this is such a long story, it will be split into parts. Part 2 will be up shortly!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Random Thoughts: Girls and Boobs

Damn, it has been awhile since I have decided to regale the world with the diseased thoughts that populate my mind. I guess life got in the way. Well, I have come back to entertain you! (I hope).

I am here to talk about boobs. I don't know about the rest of you, but they are my favorite thing in the world. I love sports, music, writing and reading, but nothing compares to a huge set of tits. I am not sure why we as males have such a fascination with them, but we do. The bigger the better. I cannot tell you how many times I have lost myself in a great rack.

The fucked up thing is that the boobs and the woman do not matter -- I will stare and look at the breasts of anyone. For example, I was doing some shopping the other day and saw a large-breasted woman. I am meticulous -- I can spot a decent rack from several miles away. Like a shark to blood. Anyway, this woman was easily 60 years old and not attractive. Yet, I stood there in aisle 9 of Target looking at those saggy tits through her pastel-colored mu-mu. I collected my thoughts and became a little disgusted with myself. 10 minutes later I did the same thing with an even older woman. I'm sick.

So we know that age and attractiveness mean very little when it comes to my boob watching. When you put an immaculate set of titties on a beautiful woman, I turn into Corky from "Life Goes On." I will give you a recent example.

A girl at work has a ridiculous rack and my dream body-type -- a little thick, but not fat and smuggling a couple of Christmas hams in her sweater. I feel like Ralphie when he gets his precious B.B. gun on Christmas morning. Honestly, I would probably stab a child to get my hands on those melons.

However, we as males are shunned when we stare at and objectify women. Quite frankly, its bullshit. Women know exactly what they are doing.

I try to use empathy in my dilemma, so I am going to pretend I am a big-breasted young female. Man, it will be difficult to type with two hands. Anyway, here is how it would probably go down.

I wake up in the morning and thank God for the wonderful gifts hanging from my chest. I play with them for about 15 minutes (I am not made of stone) and pick out an outfit for the day. Naturally, I am going to pick out an outfit that accentuates my wonderful assets. Then I walk into work or school, knowing that guys like Kevin will be there and they will stare like I am on fire. Obviously I like the attention.

I mean, that is the reason girls show 'em off, right? I mean, if you have big knockers, they can be covered up. Nah, girls like to fuck with us -- they know that they have the power to make us do just about anything. Why else would they just let them flow all willy-nilly?

However, if we look, or even comment, we are scumbags. I do not understand this logic. Personally, I see no harm in complementing a girl on her rack. I mean, they like the attention, am I right?

For example, it is socially permissible for me to approach an attractive lady at work and say "Wow Susie, I really like the color of your sweater. It looks mighty sharp!" This interaction is likely to get me a smile and perhaps a "thank you: for my troubles.

Now, lets say I see Susie in the halls once again. This time I say: "Wow Susie, your tits are popping out today! They look fantastic!" This comment would come with termination papers, a dirty stare and perhaps a slap to the face. It's an injustice, I tell ya!

Boobs. The greatest thing to ever happen to me. They will ultimately lead to my demise.