Friday, May 3, 2013

Hit and Quit: Part 2

As the text conversation continued, a myriad of thoughts popped into my mind. First, I thought I was being pretty stupid and potentially a little gay. An attractive woman is essentially begging for my penis and I am telling her no. Most guys would jump at the chance to get laid, but I was looking at the bigger picture. This girl had relationship potential; not saying she was the one or anything dumb like that, but I really wanted to get to know her more. Having sex too early would ruin that.

Second, I should just drill her. My penis took over the thinking and Horace(what I call my dick) gave his two  cents: "Dude, you haven't smashed a girl in months. Who the fuck do you think you are? You think vagina grows on trees? Trust me, it doesn't. Go over, lets smash her and we can still catch the second episode of 'Seinfeld.' Oh, and we can get donuts on the way home. I wanna go swimming, Kevin.

As I weighted my self-talk, in addition to the babbling of Horace, the text I received made it near impossible to resist: "Dude, I really like you. It is pretty obvious we have chemistry. Sexual chemistry is a big part of any relationship. We might as well fuck and see if we have that chemistry."

This girl was making sense. I was walking that fine line between sweet, chivalrous gentleman and homosexual queer. I had to bang her for awkward men like me everywhere. Go over, have some sex and embrace life a bit.

When you haven't been laid in months, naturally, you don't have any condoms. This broad didn't either. I had to make a stop. My buddy works at a grocery store and I popped in for a new party outfit for Horace. I grabbed the first pack of magnum-size they had(just kidding) and ran to the checkstand. My buddy saw me and I immediately went in for a high-five. He laughed and gave me a celebratory fist-bump. The night was mine.

I cruised over, blasting Bleeding Through to get me pumped. I got to her door and the party was ready to get started. She was pretty hammered, as evidenced by several empty beer bottles scattered on the tables. There were toys everywhere too -- she was a divorced, single mom(the kid was obviously not around).

My first inclination at this point was to back off; she was drunk and I didn't want to take advantage of her. After asking her three times if she still wanted to, she grabbed me and took her into the bedroom. Things went down and it was a good night.

I drove home feeling damn good about myself. I got some ass and felt pretty good about meeting a cool girl. It was the first time since getting out of a three-year relationship that I felt good about a girl. I had gone on a few dates over the last 10 months, but not of the girls did anything for me. Were the other girls cool? Sure, but there just wasn't that romantic spark. I felt it here.

The next night we had plans to go on a date. Go out to dinner, typical date shit. The girl also begged me for the dick, so of course she was gonna get it. Date went well and she pulled all of the shit girls do when they like you. She grabbed me and held my hand. Touched my thigh as I drove. It was pretty nice and we definitely had some chemistry.

We went back to her place and she wanted me to spend the night. It seemed too quick, but after all the sexing, I passed out. I woke up the next morning and went to town on her again. Score one for morning sex. I left shortly after that. I never saw her again

Right now, you are probably thinking, "what the fuck?" Yo Kevin, this chick seemed into you, then you just bailed, never to talk to her again? Nah, let me break it down.

Like I mentioned earlier, I really, genuinely liked this girl. She also had a kid and stupid ass kids can ruin things. Later on that day, I texted her to set up plans for another date. Her response was that she really wanted to chill and that Wednesday would be great. Cool, I will make some plans and we will have a blast.

On Wednesday, she told me that her child-care situation fell through and our plans would have to be rearranged. I was pretty cool with it, since it seemed beyond her control. We could just do it another time. We rescheduled things for next week, when she had suitable child-care.

Later in the week, I texted her to set up another date. The response I got was priceless: heartbreaking, strange and actually a bit funny. Here is the text, verbatim: "Hey, :) So...ummm...youre gonna hate me but I think I have a boyfriend. Sudden, weird, someone from the past, I've got to see where it goes. I have no regrets tho, you're awesome. Seriously. If this shit doesn't work out...I have your number. Peace.

What the fuck? Let me say that once more: what the fuck? One day the chick is all over me, the next she is completely out of my life. Poof. All of this in a two-week span. So quick my head spun.

The text is just a passive-aggressive, mushroom-stamp to the face. It starts of nice with a "hey." I even get a smiley face. Smiley faces are meant to evoke happy things. Getting the shaft is not a happy emotion. Then, comes the barrage of cliches. "Someone from the past," "I gotta see where this goes." They are all there. The back-handed compliment of "you're awesome." Obviously not that cool, bitch.

The most fucked part was the last sentence. Essentially she tells me that if all else fails, she will drop me a line. Gee, thanks. I mean does she really think I am pathetic enough to allow her to be her backup? Her silver medal? Nah, I am better than that.

Honestly, if she approached the situation a little more tactfully, I would have wished her well. We went out a few times, had some fun and it got me fully established in the dating world. If she found someone who she felt was a better fit, then by all means, she should pursue it. I know I would. However, I would not slap her in the face like she did to me. Who does that?

So ends the shortest romantic misadventure of my life. All-in-all, the whole thing lasted about two weeks. I was basically used. Not a bad thing, I suppose. It is good to know the actual character of a person, before entering a serious relationship. I know that the girl is not for me and she is just another notch on my bedpost. Too bad, because she fucked up. Maybe she will realize that one day. I win.


Thursday, May 2, 2013

Hit and Quit: Part 1

For those of you who do not follow me on Twitter, I regaled the world with a story of my most recent relationship. I wouldn't really even call it a relationship, but perhaps more of an interaction. Allow me to elaborate.

I met this girl named Amy(her real name, she will probably never read this, so I am using it) and everything seemed pretty cool. She was about my age, pretty cute and had a really good sense of humor. After my last girlfriend, it seemed pretty rad to not have to explain every joke I made.

The first night we hung out, we went to this bar/restaurant, where had beer and burgers. It was the "lets get a feel of the person" date -- essentially we were just trying to ensure that the other one was not a rapist or psycho. I cracked jokes and I was on point. I had her laughing until the beer flowed out of her nose. Humor makes girls mad wet and I felt that I was looking pretty good. She told me stories about her experiences -- I told her that I am a famous blogger on the Internet(somewhat true, but not really) and about my aspirations in  life. She seemed to be pretty into me and I was playing the game perfectly. As the check came, she even offered to pick it up and I ripped the check out of her hands and paid. Not really wise to let a girl pick up the tab, even when she offers. Power move.

After the dinner and drinks she asked if I wanted to go back to her place to watch "The Voice." This took me aback a little -- there hadn't really been any physical contact at this point, so I figured a fuck session just wasn't in the cards. My first instinct was to decline and play it cool. There is that old cliche that says "leave 'em wanting more." After debating it, I went over.

I did not make a move and nothing sexual happened. This girl was really cool and I figured if she fucked me on the first date, she probably has done it multiple times. I am not trying to date a whore. We hung out and actually watched "The Voice." We hugged and I left.

I could tell this chick was into me, because of the "Good Morning" texts I was receiving. It tells me that I made a good impression and I was on her mind. It seemed sweet and genuine. I was excited because a really great girl was into me. It felt pretty damn amazing. We made plans to go out Saturday night, probably to dinner and maybe grab a drink. Things were looking good for your boy.

Friday night came and I was chilling at the pad alone. Friday nights are not a big social night for me because I work Saturdays and I just don't have a lot of friends. I was enjoying a quiet evening of television when Amy hit me up. We starting talking, she mentioned that she had had a few. (A pattern for this girl). The conversation turned R-rated pretty quickly and she sent a message that every guy wants to hear: "You should come over and fuck me."

Whoa! I was floored. It was a kind of directness that I was not accustomed to. My first impact was to pick my jaw and tongue off of the floor and speed to her pad, potentially endangering any motorists that got in my way. The sensible, respectable part of my brain took over and I said it probably was not a good idea. As much shit as I talk, I think I am a gentleman. I liked and respected this girl and did not want to take advantage of an inebriated woman.

She rephrased her request and I respectfully declined again. I felt pretty good about my decision. In addition to showing respect, I was psychologically fucking her, by playing hard to get. I figured it would make a future sexual encounter more memorable, as by then, she would have much pent-up sexual aggression towards me. It felt like a chess match and I was in control.

Since this is such a long story, it will be split into parts. Part 2 will be up shortly!