Monday, May 27, 2013

Casting a New Captain Planet Movie

People love superheroes these days. The Avengers was one of the most successful movies in the history of cinema, grossing over $600 million last summer. The Iron Man, Batman and X-Men franchises have all been wildly successful. Bottom line: People cannot get enough of fictional characters in bad costumes. However, the box office is lacking the appearance of my all-time superhero: Captain Planet.

Who is Captain Planet? Well, my friend, let me tell you a story. Captain Planet was a cartoon in the early 90's about a green-haired, mullet-sporting hippie who saved the world from pollution, smog, used condoms and those plastic things that a six-pack of soda comes in. He was summoned when 5 queers put their rings together and he popped out, kind of like a genie and saved the day. His weaknesses include garbage, whale semen, Pabst Blue Ribbon and David Spade sitcoms(the worst pollution known to man). I am not sure why, but the show captivated me as a child.

Then you had the Planeteers. They were five kids from across the globe. There was Kwame, who was from Africa, Wheeler who was straight out of Brooklyn, Linka who was from Russia, Gi who was from China and Ma-ti who was from the Amazon, or some shit. They traveled around, mushroomed-stamped those bastards who can't separate paper from plastic and whatnot. There was one episode when they tried to stop a villain from killing elephant's for their tusks. In short, the Planeteers were pretty annoying.

However, it was entertaining. I think I learned some lessons from the story. I used to get all the toys that came with the fruity rings they used on the show. I had the 'water' ring that summoned the power of water. My older sister was running her mouth, so I pointed the water ring at the sink, then turned on the water and splashed her in the face. Captain Planet, bitch!

Anyway, it is high time that a Captain Planet film is made. I was thinking about some choices that would make me want to get out and see this blockbuster. Here are some ideas:

Tom Cruise as Captain Planet: A fruity, weird, self-righteous superhero with a green mullet? This is the role Tom Cruise was born to play. They will need to use a little CGI, as Cruise is like 4'10, but he would be a perfect choice. Cruise needs a hit in the worst way and a Captain Planet trilogy is the best way for him to start.





Tyler, the Creator as Kwame: I need a young black guy for this role and Jaleel White is too old and not beefy enough. Tyler is a controversial ass rapper or something, but the kids like him for some reason, so he gets the role here. If Don Cheadle wore makeup, he would be an option here as well.








Rupert Grint as Wheeler: The little ginger from the 'Harry Potter' movies is an obvious choice here. Jesse Eisenberg would work too, but he is probably above starting in this shit at this point. Grint will need to fake an American accent to pull it off.








Aaron Yoo as Gi: Yes, I am aware that Yoo is a dude, but I cannot think of any Asian bitches. I am pretty sure Yoo could pull it off, I mean look at that pic. Take away the pink lipstick and it looks like a dude to me.







Jennifer Lawrence as Linka: I love Jennifer Lawrence. I would marry her, right now, on the spot. I don't care if she is the biggest bitch on the face of the Earth. Naturally, she is a good fit here. Plus Lawrence with a Russian accent? Can you say bonertime? Boing.






That Indian motherfucker from 'Slumdog Millionaire' as Ma-ti: I don't know that guy's name from Slumdog, but he is brown, so he gets the part.








In terms of a script, Hoggish Greedly, a pig-like villain wants to turn trash into an army of cyborg's that plan to make everything look and smell just like Mexico City. There is no hope. Until, a gang of five queers will stop at nothing to save the world. Together they summon Captain Planet, a possibly homosexual crime fighter who hates trash. Coming to theaters in the summer of 2015.