Friday, October 11, 2013

The Carl Chronicles: No, I Have Never Fucked Uncle Phil

This is the first in a regular segment, where Carl Winslow, star of the 90's sitcom "Family Matters" gives his take on a variety of subjects and insight into being a TV dad.

Hello. My name is Carl Winslow and I am using Kevin's blog as a means to tell you guys what has been going since the show ended. I will get to all that in the future, however, I wanted to clear up some nasty rumors that have dogged me since the 1990's.

This shit starts back with 'The Cosby Show.' Bill Cosby made it socially acceptable for a black family to have a hit show on network prime-time. Sure, they were a pretty white-collar family, but hey, at least they weren't all blond and pretty.

In the 90's, two of the most iconic sitcoms were my show and of course, "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." There were many similarities between the two shows. Both featured annoying, fictional black dudes(Steve Urkel and Will Smith), both families had three kids and both shows had two sexy, fat black man at the helm.

Naturally, the gay rumors began to swirl. Since we are both black, heavy and famous, it also means we like to butt-cuddle. No sir, but we may have crossed swords at one time.

Back in 1976, we went to a party at George Jefferson's crib. We were both young and ready to party. Fried chicken, hennessy and all kinds of cocaine filled the room. George had a bitch on each knee, Wezzy was sucking dicks to an amused sea of faces. Shit was fucked.

Anyway, Harriet and I had only been married a few years and Phil and Viv just tied the knot as well. As a newly appointed police officer, I had thoughts of shutting the party down. I expressed my concern to Phil and he responded with a freshly cut line of coke. Fuck it, I did my line and things went to a whole new level.

30 minutes later, I found myself in a room with Vivian and Philip Banks. Harriet passed out(she's a lightweight) and he came at me with a wild idea: Let's give Vivian the double stuff.

At first, even in my state of supreme inebriation, I knew that it was wrong. I mean, so many things could go wrong: Harriet could get pissed, Phil might kill me when he realizes I am about 4 inches bigger and can eat pussy like no one's business(all those years eating Oreo's). But the urge to get some strange took over and I took the mouth, while Phil manned the snatch.

The tryst lasted 20 minutes or so. I fought very hard to avoid eye contact with Phil, but he kept asking me to touch his beard. Creepy. It ended when he both covered Viv in our juices. We never spoke of that night again.

So you can see: I may have participated in a gangbang with Uncle Phil, but I never sucked his dick.